Before I get into the heart of this post, I want to preface it with a confession. As a devout, actively practicing follower of Christ, the notion of me being imperfect is very known to me. In fact, through all the religion-centered renewal programs, church-sponsored spiritual challenges, and even just personal tests of discipline and quests of self-improvement in my more secular days have revealed to me the brutal truth: My life is far from ideal. What's worse...is that compounded onto that, is the absolute need for me to never wear my struggles on my face, never to impose others with my problems, and only with those closest to me and God do I ever divulge the problems that haunt me (My dear readers, you are getting an insight into a normally very "strong" person). The very nature of this post will be marked by streams of my consciousness. Breaks by which will be demarcated by:
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Very few people ever really realize what is truly going on in my life. This can be attributed to two reasons. One, many just don't care. Two, they don't know what to do even if it were to happen, and I choose to not burden them with the problem. The second group of people may get snapshots, perhaps mere glimpses of the reality that I face on an everyday basis. To that end, the problems that I keep muffled inside, are shoved deep into the subconscious crevasses behind the confident (sometimes over-confident and over-bearing) facade that so many are accustomed to. This faulty system of coping has only resulted in occasions in which my mood is..."off." It is like trying to keep all of those simmering, toxic fumes in a bubble that is myself. The bubble is nowhere near strong enough to hold everything in. Sometimes, I cave under the pressure the results are not pretty; I lash out, I snap, I displace my emotions from whatever is eating at me onto someone else. This only tends to alienate people more, which "helps" build my next bubble: this time stronger, colder, only to contain even more venomous thoughts and things. This vicious cycle becomes brutally apparent when it seems like the very support group that got you out of a mess, is part of the very cause of the next problem. It is by no means fair, as many of the people, who end up being on the receiving end of perhaps one of my fits, have no idea what is going on, and at that point in time inherently start judging me as someone of either poor character, or just unpleasant to be around--not their fault, and certainly understandable.
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I recently thought deeper into the almost mindless lyrics of a popular 90's song, made viral via a Pepsi MAX commercial. That's right, Haddaway's 1993 hit What is Love. The chorus is unmistakably recognizable: "What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more." I don't want to wax philosophical, so I'll cut to the chase. The emotion of love (through a collection of definitions heard from sermons, friends, sagely advice, wiki...etc.) is characterized by a degree of sacrifice, a willingness to compromise, and a trust of another person to not hurt you in the openly vulnerable state to which you expose yourself. Cheese aside, this got me onto just how powerful Jesus' love is for us really is. His crucifixion was the perfect sacrifice. God the Father proposed a divine compromise in sending us Jesus. He to this day and for ever and ever shows unlimited forgiveness and Grace to us. Jesus the Son, had the ultimate trust in His Father, and you can't get more vulnerable than going from omnipotent, omniscient God in Trinity, to being born into human flesh, to walk and suffer in the broken world we live in. As it calls us to love the same way Jesus loves us, how can we ever settle for less? How silly must we be?
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I have been told before that it is within human nature to protect oneself and each defensive mechanism is characterized by a degree of expense for either oneself or others. In our society, it is generally considered that those defensive mechanisms that protect oneself at the great expense of others is not only selfish, but almost unthinkable. Yet, the opposite, displayed via altruism is viewed as equally an anomaly. To come back to my own personal example, I certainly am not proud of lashing out, but similarly, in doing random acts of kindness, I have been asked before, "What is it that you want? Why are you doing this?" Intentions become tangled, misunderstandings prevalent. Results have often proven to a similar effect; granted, the random acts of kindness generally turn out better, but it's definitely no lie when I say that kind of work is draining.
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I am tired and must rest. As my mind slowly stops from its unrelenting races, I shall take my pit stop here. Good night.
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