Take this note and read it!

This sermon I listened to recently was very convicting to me, and so I have compiled it to a certain extent, in a hope to share with everyone.

Now to preface this, the sermon series the church I go to is currently in is called "Surprised by Joy." This sermon in particular talked about what obstacles we have that hinder us to have Joy. After all, Phillippians 4:4 calls us to rejoice:

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 

So what really stops us from being joyful all the time? Life adversity, problems and sorrow, one would respond, get in the way. But the real answer seems a bit intuitive, albeit important to point out. We are unable to be joyful without God. Because of this, this leads us to the book of Nehemiah, where we derive 3 central tenets to remaining joyful in the face of adversity.

1. WHEN YOU WON'T FIGHT: Sometimes it is hard to really hard to motivate oneself to gather up the courage and fight. Nehemiah was rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem, and those opposed to him would come and physically threaten them to stop building the wall. Nehemiah then told his men via Nehemiah 4:14, and then armed them all with swords, bows and spears:

Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight...

2. WHEN YOU THINK THE ENEMY IS TOO BIG: The difficulty is just compounded if the adversity is so daunting, that you believe it can't be beat. The sense of being David going in to fight Goliath is intimidating and nerve-racking...minimum. But the idea is to always pick your battles wisely, and not jump in blind, but keep a level head about yourself. Nehemiah continued to build his walls and the enemy continue to harangue him with not threats this time, but cordial invitations to "peace talks." Nehemiah knew that if he went to one of these talks, he would be assassinated. Invitation after invitation, Nehemiah craftily responds with Nehemiah 6:3:

I am carrying on a great project and cannot go down. 

Our great project is the life that God has blessed us with. We are carriers of the will of God, and mirrors of His One and Only Son, Jesus Christ. Our mission and goal are too great to go down on any simple adversity that appears. We must continue to persevere.

3. WHEN YOU SNATCH DEATH OUT OF THE JAWS OF VICTORY: This one originally confused me too, thinking, "shouldn't it be the other way around?" However, the other way around is a good thing. What we tend to do, is overlook our small blessings and focus on the negatives that surround us. We grow to become apathetic and tell ourselves lies in order to "protect ourselves." After some time, Ezra the scribe came and for the first time in many long years, the people were able to hear the Scripture read to them. As Ezra was reading the Word of God and listed out the reasons why people have suffered, people listening started to cry and be filled with sorrow. Nehemiah proclaimed to everyone that being able to listen to Scripture is a blessing, and that them being able to listen to it now, was a sign of God's forgiveness; that God continues to be their God, and that they should focus on that, highlighted in Nehemiah 8:10, one of my favorite verses:

Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. 

We strive to relook and refresh ourselves with those three verses, Nehemiah 4:14, Nehemiah 6:3, and Nehemiah 8:10, to give us perspective and strength when dealing with, coping with, conquering adversity in life with, of course, the strength of God.

---

What Ken (the lead pastor at my church) recommended us do, was to write up a post-it note or piece of paper, with big bold letters:

TAKE THIS NOTE AND READ IT:

And then underneath, write out the three conditions that stop us from Joy, as well as something that you are personally challenged by.

When you won't fight.

When you think the enemy is too big.

When you snatch death out of the jaws of victory.

When __________________________

Finally, include the three inspirational verses found in Nehemiah that will help us remember:

Nehemiah 4:14 - Remember the LORD, who is great and awesome, and fight.

Nehemiah 6:3 - I am carrying on a great project and cannot go down.

Nehemiah 8:10 - Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.

Tape this to a place you walk by often (a bathroom mirror seems to do well), and constantly remind yourself that God is for you, and be encouraged.

A Day in the Life

I've got someone that's truly close to my heart. She's wonderful to me, sustains me, feeds me, spends time with me. She's all I've known, and frankly, all I want to know. We've gotten life down to pretty much a routine. She leaves early in the morning for work, and generally doesn't return until dinner time. I stay home, take care of some housekeeping issues, get some exercise on the treadmill, perhaps toss in a nap in on my more lethargic days.

I haven't heard from my family in a while, ever since my brothers and sisters and I grew up of age, we all chased love and before you knew it, we were all separated. The last sibling I saw was my dear youngest sister, she went home with a cute freckled red-headed boy. I could tell she was somewhat reserved at first, but I'm sure she's warmed up to him by now. After all, it's been nearly 2-3 years now since I've seen any of them. I wonder how they're doing sometimes. I sometimes miss them, but all in all I can't complain: I live a simple life, and I have her.

Oftentimes she'll just sit next to me, and speak to me. Whenever I feel like I have her attention, I try to showcase something special that I did that day. Maybe I finally ran a new record distance on the treadmill, maybe I cleaned up the mess around the house, maybe I just act cute so that she'll gush over me. At times like these she'll smile at me sweetly, hold and caress me ever so gently, and when I'm really lucky, she'll sing for me. That feeling of security, that warmth, that touch. I find myself curling up and falling into a blissful sleep with her smiling at me. It's unforgettable.

Things have never always been peachy, though. At times when she is sad, I feel helpless and minuscule. I am never good at talking about these difficult times, and I sometimes feel that she thinks that I never understand her. It gets particularly bad when she gets busy. She'll look at me sadly, and then turn to her computer or her large stack of papers, all covered with unreadable (to me anyway) scribbles of all sorts of colors. She had a period where she'd pick at her own hair, another time just sleep and not wake up, like her only method of escape from all of her stress and problems was to sleep.

Tonight, however, she seems at peace, smiling as she falls asleep. If only I could ever snuggle next to her. Alas, I will never know this feeling, as I sit peering longingly at her...

...from behind my glass hamster cage.

Con * sci * ous * ness

Before I get into the heart of this post, I want to preface it with a confession. As a devout, actively practicing follower of Christ, the notion of me being imperfect is very known to me. In fact, through all the religion-centered renewal programs, church-sponsored spiritual challenges, and even just personal tests of discipline and quests of self-improvement in my more secular days have revealed to me the brutal truth: My life is far from ideal.  What's worse...is that compounded onto that, is the absolute need for me to never wear my struggles on my face, never to impose others with my problems, and only with those closest to me and God do I ever divulge the problems that haunt me (My dear readers, you are getting an insight into a normally very "strong" person). The very nature of this post will be marked by streams of my consciousness. Breaks by which will be demarcated by:

*  *  *

Very few people ever really realize what is truly going on in my life. This can be attributed to two reasons. One, many just don't care. Two, they don't know what to do even if it were to happen, and I choose to not burden them with the problem. The second group of people may get snapshots, perhaps mere glimpses of the reality that I face on an everyday basis. To that end, the problems that I keep muffled inside, are shoved deep into the subconscious crevasses behind the confident (sometimes over-confident and over-bearing) facade that so many are accustomed to. This faulty system of coping has only resulted in occasions in which my mood is..."off." It is like trying to keep all of those simmering, toxic fumes in a bubble that is myself. The bubble is nowhere near strong enough to hold everything in. Sometimes, I cave under the pressure the results are not pretty; I lash out, I snap, I displace my emotions from whatever is eating at me onto someone else. This only tends to alienate people more, which "helps" build my next bubble: this time stronger, colder, only to contain even more venomous thoughts and things. This vicious cycle becomes brutally apparent when it seems like the very support group that got you out of a mess, is part of the very cause of the next problem. It is by no means fair, as many of the people, who end up being on the receiving end of perhaps one of my fits, have no idea what is going on, and at that point in time inherently start judging me as someone of either poor character, or just unpleasant to be around--not their fault, and certainly understandable.

*  *  *

I recently thought deeper into the almost mindless lyrics of a popular 90's song, made viral via a Pepsi MAX commercial. That's right, Haddaway's 1993 hit What is Love. The chorus is unmistakably recognizable: "What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more." I don't want to wax philosophical, so I'll cut to the chase. The emotion of love (through a collection of definitions heard from sermons, friends, sagely advice, wiki...etc.) is characterized by a degree of sacrifice, a willingness to compromise, and a trust of another person to not hurt you in the openly vulnerable state to which you expose yourself. Cheese aside, this got me onto just how powerful Jesus' love is for us really is. His crucifixion was the perfect sacrifice. God the Father proposed a divine compromise in sending us Jesus. He to this day and for ever and ever shows unlimited forgiveness and Grace to us. Jesus the Son, had the ultimate trust in His Father, and you can't get more vulnerable than going from omnipotent, omniscient God in Trinity, to being born into human flesh, to walk and suffer in the broken world we live in. As it calls us to love the same way Jesus loves us, how can we ever settle for less? How silly must we be?

*  *  *

I have been told before that it is within human nature to protect oneself and each defensive mechanism is characterized by a degree of expense for either oneself or others. In our society, it is generally considered that those defensive mechanisms that protect oneself at the great expense of others is not only selfish, but almost unthinkable. Yet, the opposite, displayed via altruism is viewed as equally an anomaly. To come back to my own personal example, I certainly am not proud of lashing out, but similarly, in doing random acts of kindness, I have been asked before, "What is it that you want? Why are you doing this?" Intentions become tangled, misunderstandings prevalent. Results have often proven to a similar effect; granted, the random acts of kindness generally turn out better, but it's definitely no lie when I say that kind of work is draining.

*  *  *

I am tired and must rest. As my mind slowly stops from its unrelenting races, I shall take my pit stop here. Good night.

What does it mean, to be an extrovert?  Does it mean you like talking?  Does it mean you're attention seeking? Does it mean you derive happiness from being around others?  Does it mean you like going out?  Or is it a little bit of all of the above?

From my Myers-Briggs tests, the one thing that truly stands out above all else, is the fact that there is no introverted aspect to my personality.  I am (I've taken the Myers-Briggs at like 3 different stages of my life) 100% Extroverted.  That being said, I don't always showcase those stereotypical extroverted signs, nor am I usually the absolute most extroverted individual at any given point in time.

So why or how am I 100% E then?  The question stems upon how Myers-Briggs defines extroverted, and how that plays into my personality.  From their scale, I exhibit all the aspects or signs of extroversion, however, In reality, I actually show each of these signs to a lesser extent than other people, who may only exhibit 1 or 2 out of...let's say 4 traits.  This way, they are 50% E, but those two traits they may have, are very apparent.

This came up one day when I sat at a big dinner with some people that I knew.  I did not feel any obligation to get up and talk to everyone; in fact, I felt happy for once that I was in the background, just listening and observing, only really popping into conversation when I truly felt like I had something to contribute.

What's interesting is that ever since I've made it into med school, I've found myself in a role where I don't talk nearly as much as maybe some people remember me.  I find myself in a situation in which I don't know the solution.  I am more than confident that most people who know me in the medical school either have seen my argumentative, explosive side, and hence write me off as an asshole.  Albeit, I call myself that all the time, to have it be a general sentiment is, well, a whole other story.  I find myself dealing with said phenomenon by simply staying silent, biting my tongue when I feel the urge to snap at someone.  Of course, this usually just results in me sitting and listening, rather than contributing.  Those people who don't understand me (which is most, let's be honest), will just take it as me being judgy and having nothing really important to add to the conversation, and thus, ignore me altogether.

So, to bring this conversation full circle, what do you do when you're an extrovert that no one appreciates, or cares to talk to?

To this end, I've found myself doing better in 1 on 1 conversations, where the chance of someone misunderstanding me or me offending someone to be...well, smaller.  Second chances are a treasure to be cherished, as forgiveness is not easy to come by.

Med school, you have taught me plenty.

2012.Resolutions.Reflections

Hey everyone, I apologize for my tardiness in posting up 2012 reflections and New Year's Resolutions, but 2011 has definitely not been a regular year, by any means.  Celebrating and welcoming the New Year an hour before even the crystal ball dropping in Times Square (the US Virgin Islands are an hour ahead, go figure), was not the only new experience...but rather than hearing fireworks, the loud crackles and pops were later explained to my dad and me--they were celebratory gunshots.  Talk about the non-conventional.

At any rate, back to tradition and convention with some thoughts on waving the 2011 year goodbye, and things to work on in 2012:

1. Not only read, but live the Living Word.  One of my key resolutions from 2011 was to practice real tithing, where I would give 10% of my spending per week and give it to the church I attended.  To this end, I was successful in reaching my goal of going one year of truly giving 10%.  It was definitely with sacrifice, and compromises were made when it came to personal spending.  This has helped me become more disciplined in spending on myself, on not being focused on material, earthly possessions, and that the true treasures are that of spirit, not of this world.  My goal for this year, is to really reflect those lessons learned from the Word into everyday living.  One section that I have particularly taken a liking to, as something for me to work on, is seen in James 3:1-12.  Taming of the tongue.  Those who know me know exactly what needs to happen here.

2. Buckle down.  Something that I never really truly thought I would need to remind myself with, and that was to take care of business academically.  I suppose in previous years and in lower levels of education, I was always fine with where I was relative to other people, in both comprehension, and grades.  In medical school, the competition may not be as outwardly apparent, and the pass/fail system really takes away the stress that would normally be a motivator for me to continuously strive for a higher percentage.  However, I am blessed with a good group of guys that not only help me study, but challenge me to understand better, and constantly push my limits on what I need to know and what I should know.  My resolution is to be more self-motivated to go beyond what is minimally necessary, (even if P=MD), and really enjoy the learning for what it is worth.

3. Be patient and live life.  I've always been impulsive.  It's come with its pros and cons; I've always been on the forefront of many aspects of my life because of gut instinct, natural intuition, and quick action.  However, this has also gotten me into trouble before, and I've realized that at this stage in my life, it is less appropriate to really rush through everything; rather, my resolution for this year is to really slow down and really let God take the reins.  God knows a lot more than I do, and clearly has a pretty good idea of where I am to end up, how I'm going to get there, and when I'm going to get there.  No need to rush a perfect game plan, hm?

That's all I have for this year, plenty of tough stuff to work on, but cheers to an exciting New Year in 2012!

Pre-Break Reflection (PBR)

Hey all, it has certainly been a while since I've written here, and I have taken the time to really use my lunch break and by definition study break to give a life update or quasi-reflection post.

Besides the shared acronym between my post and Pabst Blue Ribbon, I have managed to separate myself from many other graduate students (medical and otherwise), in the fact that I do not rely on alcohol for a good time.  A seemingly simple and sensible sentiment, but an important one to make nonetheless.  Have I gone dry?  By no means.  But there is a difference between alcohol consumption and alcohol reliance.  That being said, let's reflect:

This first semester of medical school has really put me through many trials.  Maybe not in the way that I originally envisioned.  I came into medical school expecting that it would be very similar to my college experience, with the lone exception of needing to work myself much harder to keep up with the increased information and decreased time to learn it.  However, I have soon found that I not only spend less time on studying, I am enjoying the more fundamental things in life that would contribute to happiness.  I have learned many new things, not only medicine related, but rather more about myself.

One would always want to believe that you know yourself better than anyone else.  Aside from God (which is an unfair example, because he is all-knowing and all-seeing), though the statement may be true to a certain extent, it doesn't necessarily mean you know yourself well.  There are certain aspects of my person that I will refuse to compromise, certain activities that I must have as part of my daily, weekly, monthly, yearly routine.  I will always be a sports fan.  I will always be athletically active.  I will always strive to be more Christ-centered, and I will always strive to take medicine to the next level.

I have also learned things that I can let go, or I thought were important, but in the grand scheme of things slowly phased out of my concerns and priorities.  I originally believed that I was a very undiverse individual, and that I had to have friends only in the Asian crowd.  Not only has medical school tested those boundaries, they have challenged me to really reach out and force me to not be in my comfort zone.  And to be perfectly, almost brutally honest, I am glad I was tested in that way.  I can safely say that my best friends here are definitely not Asian, nor do I see that changing any time in the future.

Finally, I realized to appreciate the things that really mean something to me.  The support I get from family, friends, loved ones, and all of those meaningful relationships that I spent so long over the course of my stay in St. Louis to build.  I got to spend time talking to good friends on the phone, and it hit me that it really doesn't matter where your friends go and end up, true friends will always remain so, and those relationships are something to always hold onto dearly.  The ability of being able to pick up the phone, call up a guy that I hadn't talked to or been in close proximity to for an extended period of time, and talk for hours about all the things that have happened in each other's lives is simply put, amazing.  The conversation seemed so natural it was like it had never stopped in the first place.  I find myself "catching up" with people much more so during this educational transition than I did when I went from high school to college.  It made me think of the relationships that I built while in high school, and the yearning for a reunion and "catching up" with those people too.  Only time (and a good, long break) will remediate this.

With all that said and done, I want to wish everyone a great holiday break:  Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Cheers!

The Move In

Hello everyone.  This is my first blog post from the new desk that I built myself (or rather, assembled).  The internet is a little spotty here and there, but at least the living arrangement seems to have worked out.

I have a nice little studio apartment on the first floor, and to be honest, the space is more than enough for me.  Even at WashU, I had one of the smaller rooms in the suite, and even when I had a huge double sharing with Alan, I didn't even know what to do with all the space.

Furnishings were nothing fancy but comprehensive.  I got a desk, a bookshelf, a dresser, a dinner table with 4 chairs, a coffee table, a love seat couch, and of course the bed.  This is the same bed that I used way back in middle school, so I guess it's pretty nostalgic now that I'm back on this very bed...8 years later.

The place, after unpacking about 60% of my stuff, is definitely "very me."  Everything other than the wooden dinner table/chairs and the love seat (that I swiped from my parents) are black, white or green (no more mystery to my favorite colors).  If you had seen my room back at WashU, you would instantly recognize 90% of the decorations and stuff, as I just like how my room was decorated from before, and no reason to fix what isn't broken.

One difference, is I have my own TV now.  Nothing compared to the 37 inch VYNEX monster that everyone was familiar with from my suite, but it will serve my purposes (which is sports, sports, some HIMYM, and more sports) very well.  As per usual, my desk is littered with technology, so I might just resort to moving my book studies to the dinner table.

If there was any real complaints about the place right now, it would be that my phone doesn't get reliable service in the back crannies of my room, but that's understandable since the 1st floor of this apartment is practically half underground.  Of course, my reception is best closest to the window and door.

Other than that, just wanted to throw an update out there on where I'm now living and some initial thoughts that popped into my head in the middle of my unpacking frenzy.  I'd just like to say, it's nothing compared to the awesome setup I had back with my boys in Mudd, then SoFoHo (x2).  But then again, it's not just the place you live in, it's more important about the PEOPLE you live with.

Cheers.