My journey, in two regards.

The day of relief and release arrived for me May 22nd, at 4:30pm. Having just taken and finished the ridiculousness that was the MCAT, when I clicked the final blue button that read "END TEST", I felt this lifting feeling overwhelm me. I breathed a long deep breath as I exited the testing center, and I thanked Him. Father saw me through my difficult week of preparation, and hasn't failed to bless me in my times of difficulty. Before I had clicked to begin the test, I prayed to the Lord, to give me the discipline to stay focused, the courage to face the challenge ahead, and the endurance to finish the trial strong.

Never before, had I felt the effects of His blessings so immediately, but this was a different, special case. Never before, did I feel this relaxed during the test; I've never had this air of confidence in any of the practice tests that I did the week leading up to that day. I never felt so sure, so awake, so energized during any MCAT.

Lord, I've done all I can in this matter; I leave the rest of this process in your capable hands.

I want to thank all of those people close to me, talked to me during my study breaks, that prayed for me through this entire process; you guys made this process that much easier, and it is clear to me that God answered your prayers. Thank you.

The Study Break

It's late. Real late. Unfortunately for Jacob, this isn't, and won't be for a long while (he thinks), bedtime. He stares down at the tiny text that lay in front of him. Things are starting to blend into one incomprehensible jumble of letters. Formulas, main thesis of passage, enzymes...it's all a mess.

With nothing but the slight buzzing of his room lamp, the silence is again broken with the closing of his book. Jacob isn't content with how he's been scoring. Too inconsistent. I'm still making really stupid mistakes. The test is staring me in the face, why can't I get this down? Jacob's frustration comes with good reason. This test will literally decide his future.

He turns away from his book. He picks ups the cans of energy drinks that litter the floor of his room, and after throwing them away, Jacob can't stop pacing back and forth. Perhaps my mind is too cluttered to study right now. Looking at his online buddies list, he chuckles to himself, realizing no one is on at this hour. Well that plan fell flat on its face.

He's trapped, Jacob is; if he tries to continue to study, the effectiveness of his stressed mind dwindles like a flickering flame in the wind. On the other hand, if he tries to do anything other than study, he feels guilty in not "trying his hardest." What if that one mini-review was what got me that extra point in Physics? Jacob can't stop psyching himself out.

I'm not normally like this; this is probably a testament to how important this test is, compared to whatever other exam I've taken before. Jacob breathes in deeply a few times, and looks out the window. The sun is rising, and an incoming chat comes in: "Boy, you should go to sleep soon." Words of wisdom. Jacob takes another glance at his stack of books, shaking his head, he turns off the light and pulls the covers over his head, knowing that the stack of books will still be there when he awakens.

Dear Friend

It's certainly been a while since I last got to see you.

What would I do without you?

I just wanted to take the time to say thank you, for being there, friend.

You are always a call or text away; even though we live so far apart, you'll always let me know if you're stopping by near my room. I'm so grateful we've taken time to get to know each other so much more, we're a lot more alike than I originally thought! We can talk literally for hours, and I don't mind putting those hours aside just for you. To be perfectly honest, I don't know if there is anything we can't talk about, our experiences seem to mesh very similarly; it makes for a great support system.

I know you've talked me through some hard times, and you know I'm more than willing to do the same for you. Your good news makes me happier; your bad news makes me sadder than any equivalents in my own life. The level of understanding that we have between us is most likely something no one else can quite grasp or ever experience; it's almost like it's imaginary, too good to be real...

I'm so thankful that I know you, friend; you are irreplaceable in my mind, my heart, and my prayers.

You are a blessing in my life.

Yours,

Friend

Junior Reflections

"If you were waiting for the opportune moment...that was it."

One of few things that Johnny Depp will say, and I will quote. I feel like my life is dictated by a series of missed opportunities, unfortunate issues on timing, priority clashes, and forcibly having to choose between two things that both matter to me. "Why can't I have it all," says my inner 5-year old.

As we may all be familiar with the tendency of hard tests to seem to "clump" together and come in waves; I find comfort in the one or two days after aforementioned waves, and just ride it back to shore. This year has taught me that it is more useful to appreciate the little things that are good, than to complain about the big things that are bad.

To be perfectly honest, I should be studying more and taking my last final a bit more seriously, but the motivation has leaked out from the holes in my older, broken body, and I was admittedly too lazy to bother remedying the situation. My heart goes out to those of you who are studying hard for your finals: stay resolute and finish strong.

Rather, I found it more interesting to start (and by start, I mean basically finish) packing; it has opened my eyes on how much stuff I've accumulated over the 3 years I've been here in St. Louis now. Honestly, when I came in as a silly, unknowing freshman, I had 2 boxes of food and school supplies, and 2 luggage cases of clothing. Now, leaving as a junior, I have 4 full boxes (each weighing probably around 50-60 lbs) of stuff (or crap, depending on your take), 2 overflowing luggage cases, and not to mention about a dozen bricks in my backpack, and an absurd weight in my carry-on. Is it that I assign that much value to material objects, or is it that I am simply unwilling to accept the fact that this world is too tangible and capitalist to truly give everything up and follow Jesus?

I suppose it's not my place to know this just yet, I still have much of my life to live, places to see, people to meet, and much distance to cover in my own spiritual path. However, I will leave with this.

Psalm 147:5

Great is our Lord, and mighty in power; His understanding is infinite.

Chapter 9: Into the Night

Yuan walks back to her place after picking up some lamb skewers from a street vendor, the complex hardly lit. She pulls out her cell phone, and uses the screen to light her way up to the top floor. After closing her double lock door behind her, she flips on the light, and plops down on her futon. It’s like 8pm, she goes online, onto QQ. As more and more of her friends come online, she isn’t particularly interested in talking to any of them. She figures that most of them, the guys anyway, despite being shown online, are actually busy playing their World of Warcraft. Best not interrupt them, as they’ll probably get annoyed at me anyway. The night life for everyone is different.

Many of her guy friends usually just play those silly online games until really late. As for some of her other guy friends and girls, they usually go out for cheap movie showings, or go karaoke at a bar. Yuan knows what goes on in the “other rooms” in the karaoke bars; it’s usually not an issue when she goes with her group of friends because there are both boys and girls. It’s difficult to imagine the hostesses, or xiaojie, “performing” in those hidden rooms, but Yuan would rather not think about it. This is why she will usually never look at those girls, afraid that she’ll see the pain and suffering in their eyes. She gets an online instant message from one of her girl friends, asking her to go out with them tonight to catch some dinner, and then see a movie at around 11pm. “No, I’m not feeling up to it tonight,” Yuan responds. “It’s been a long day.” Her friends tell her to rest up, and soon sign off to start their night.

Yuan switches to her pajamas, puts on some pop music from her laptop, and picks up a skewer of meat. As she looks outside of her window from the top floor of her complex, she breathes a heavy sigh, and stares into the night. Will I ever leave the country? When will I leave the nursing field? One thing is for sure, however. Yuan looks at her calendar, and crosses off today. She cleans up after eating, and flips the light switch off. As she climbs into bed, a single thought flies in circles in her mind, another day, another shift.

Fin.

Chapter 8: Seeing Stars

Yuan slowly walks out after finishing and paying for her coffee, still shaken up from the news of Guojun. Perhaps another day when she has more time, she’ll give him a call, and ask to meet up so they can talk. As Yuan looks up at the sky, the stars in the sky shyly hide behind the heavy, dominating cloud cover. It has been a long time since Yuan’s actually seen stars; the last time was when she visited the hometown of her great-grandparents in the countryside in Cuijiacun. There are no tall buildings, no night lights, no Dior, no trains or airplane flights. The countryside is quieter, peaceful, and simpler; of course, the trade for westernized amenities comes with a price. Because the ride from her home to her great-grandparents place was only 30 minutes, Yuan did not even notice the transformation of scenery. Yuan remembers looking outside the truck window; the cold, metallic atmosphere along the abiotic skyline of Jiujiang changed to living, breathing rice patties lining the grassy hills within a blink of an eye. The rivers of black asphalt in the city ran dry into narrow dirt capillaries. Things have since changed though; the urban sprawl of Jiujiang has invaded the natural landscape in Cuijiacun. Cuijiacun has become an urban enclave of Jiujiang, the farmer markets replaced with small store fronts, the old, more decrepit houses marked for demolition and reconstruction.

Yuan and her family haven’t gone back to Cuijiacun in more than 10 years. The westernization has affected her in two ways. On one side, Yuan would probably not even recognize the places that she saw as a little girl, as many districts were bulldozed and reconstructed to fit in with the ever-expanding urban machine. On a more personal level, the westernization has changed her family’s priorities since her great-grandparents’ and grandparents’ generations. The focus on filial piety, or xiaoshun, has been shifted; no longer is the focus on the previous generation, rather, it’s shifted to the younger generation. Yuan has maybe visited her ancestors on two occasions, but that was when she was young. After her father landed a travelling business position, it’s hard to ever find time to travel back to Cuijiacun as a family. Just within her family, her parents don’t seem to apply the concept of xiaoshun to her; they are content with maybe a phone call every 1 or 2 weeks saying that she’s still okay. They don’t require her to send money back; her father brings home enough so that she doesn’t need to worry about it. What will I do with my own children? And what about grandchildren? I’m not even sure how true xiaoshun is displayed. Yuan doesn’t know what to expect for her family’s future, let alone whether her children will be filial.

Chapter 7: Comrade

Guojun’s personality definitely fit his name; literally “national army,” Guojun was physically strong, mentally smart and decisive, and unfailingly loyal. Yuan met him when they were put in the same class, their final year of high school. Granted, most people were focused on studying for the college entrance examination, Yuan saw a simpler person in Guojun. He didn’t seem as stressed or competitively cut-throat as the other smart guys. In addition, despite being very physically fit, he was very gentile, so he was popular among both the guys and the girls. Yuan liked the fact that Guojun was always there to talk to, be it about schoolwork, dreams, the latest movie, or future aspirations. Guojun talked about joining the military; serving the country was what the men in his family have always done. Yuan didn’t want him to go, as him joining the military meant that he would be gone for long periods of time, and she wouldn’t be able to keep him by his side. However, Guojun could not be talked out of it; his mind was made up. Last Yuan saw of him, he signed up and marched off to private training camp.

“I hear Guojun is actually gay!” Read the text from her friend. Yuan dropped her phone; how is that possible? Guojun was probably one of the most “alpha male” types she ever knew. Snapping out of her daze, Yuan scrambles to pick up her phone up again, and calls her friend up, looking for an explanation. It turns out, that Guojun left the army after a year; he’s now running a gold farming enterprise with his partner, Shang. To everyone else, Guojun is being a filial son, running a business, making money to send back home to his parents, but as he secretly revealed to his girlfriend, he was only dating her to appear normal in front of his parents. Being the only son and only child of his parents, Guojun did not want anything to disappoint his parents. Yuan’s heart goes out to him; Guojun has always wanted to please his parents. He’s the true fighting comrade; ironically he also happens to be a tongzhi.

Chapter 6: Boys to Friends to Boyfriends

Afternoons have always been pretty slow. Most patients that would come in or need care would be taken care of in the morning, and afternoons were usually reserved to filling out paperwork, and patients’ medical charts. Seeing as Lin usually took over these processes, this left Yuan relatively bored with nothing to do. She scribbles the remaining few medications onto patient records and puts the charts back at the nurses’ station. She’s never really enjoyed chit-chat with the doctors; they either never stop talking, or are too shy to say a thing, let alone flirt with her. Yuan usually goes out with some of the nurses in the ward; they giggle about various cute graduate students that just rotated in to work in the ward, or what new rising pop star is on the music scene. Yuan finds solace in these types of conversations about boys; she remembers how her mother said that marriages used to be arranged, and how she and her father didn’t really meet until a few weeks before the actual marriage. Yuan is happy that she now has the freedom to choose; not that the choice is very easy or straightforward. She knows that the social pressures of finding a husband have decreased dramatically; it’s more prevalent for women to marry later and focus on their career. What career?

As she waves goodbye to the other nurses, Yuan goes into her favorite coffee shop, Dio Coffee, and orders a mocha cappuccino. As she looks out the window, Yuan receives a text message from an old high school friend: “You’ll NEVER believe what news I have on your ex-boyfriend Guojun.” Yuan’s has had very interesting experiences in dating guys. She started dating probably right at the start of high school; the guys’ family background ranging from the son of a wealthy businessman to a boy whose parents came from the countryside as migrant workers in order to give a better education opportunity for him. Guojun, however, her latest boyfriend was different. Yuan replies, “This better be good, what is it?”

Chapter 5: Hazardous

Yuan put on her facemask, and proceeded to carry out her shift. She walked over to the medicine room; two nurses were in there preparing all the medicines into jars for intravenous use. Everything in the ward is essentially put into these bottles; the needles are like long-term loans. They are essentially given to the patients, and they keep them for the entire time they are there in the hospital. Yuan brings out the medicine for the rooms she’s covering today on a cart, with a bottle in a basket that can be hung above the patient, with a medical prescription from the doctors of what drug and what dosage. Yuan matches the slip to each bed, and asks the patients or relative to say their name so that she can double confirm the prescription. Yuan doesn’t want to be in the same situation that one of her colleagues, Xiaofeng, had to deal with. One time, Xiaofeng, in a lapse of either laziness or carelessness, forgot to double confirm the medicine, and after the medicine was administered, she realized it was for the wrong person. A male relative, who had stepped outside to pick up breakfast and a smoke, saw the mistake and immediately started yelling and cursing at Xiaofeng. In a panic, Xiaofeng ran out of the room, with the man chasing her trying to swing his newspaper at her. Lin had to step in and doctors came in to restrain the man. Even after restrained, the man was arguing with all the doctors and nurses around him, threatening Xiaofeng. Xiaofeng went home that day, and didn’t come back to work for over 2 weeks; the trauma of both the verbal and physical abuse changed Xiaofeng completely. She became really quiet and reclusive, a photographic negative to the bubbly girl Yuan once knew.

Yuan did not want any of that; she’s heard of Lin talking about how nurses in the United States are treated with more respect, and they don’t need to look over as many patients. America, it sounds like an unattainable dream. Yuan shrugs the thought off and pushes the cart down to the next bed.