Rolling, Rolling, Rolling...

No, I'm not here to talk about medical schools and their rolling admissions process.  Rather, I'm going to be talking about my experiences and what I've learned from it.

Since getting accepted to Michigan, I wanted to figure out my living situation in Ann Arbor, but a point stood in the way.  Of course, Pham was the number one pick in the roommate draft (sorry, sports references are how I roll), and needless to say, it would have been legendary.  I had things mostly figured out, but nothing could be finalized; you can't go ahead and get a 2 bedroom apartment when you don't have both people finalized.

So here we go, impulsively speaking, Pham decided to choose Michigan out of the schools that he got accepted to, and of course, that's excellent news in and of itself, besides the fact that I now seemingly had my roommate for at least the upcoming M1 year...but...before we speak too fast, there's still a waitlist.

So perhaps I was forcibly ignoring the possibility that Pham will want to go to any other school than Michigan (in hindsight, it was kind of foolish of me).  So when Pham notified me that he was taking his talents to Manhattan to join Cornell Medical, I couldn't help but feel a little like the Cavaliers (NOTE: I am not by anyway equating Pham with LeBron...that is too unspeakable).

However, unlike Daniel Gilbert, and post slanderous nonsense on the internet and throughout the national media, God calls us to understand and forgive.  I learned that things always happen according to God's plan, and that meant placing me into an environment where I don't have the comfort of falling back to old friends, and pushing forth not only as a missionary, but also to expand my network and establish new contacts.

Score:    Steve -- 0 : Elusive Roommate -- 1

Fast forward a couple weeks.  Now I'm in the hunt for a new roommate, and by new, I mean brand new.  All of the people I've known from high school who are part of my Medical School class are girls, and so therefore, not on my list.  I originally planned to live in the fraternity Phi Rho, but apparently, missed the housing lottery because I was on the Wisconsin Dells trip.  How...inconvenient.

Needless to say, I went apartment hunting elsewhere in the area, and with a stroke of luck, managed to find a guy who (no homo) I really hit it off with.  We organized a couple trips to go and settle a living situation in a nice apartment.  However, right before we finished paying the deposit to hold the apartment, Phi Rho notified my roommate that he got off the housing waitlist, and he was seriously considering going for that.  He gave me a call and told me the, I guess, "great news."  In my mind, I only saw the flashing lights of the scoreboard:

Score:  Steve -- 0 : Elusive Roommate -- 2

But honestly, I was happy for the guy.  Seriously, it's like impossible to get to live in the medical fraternity, and so getting off the waitlist is  like winning the lottery, literally and figuratively.  In my heart, I felt a little helpless in the whole process; but I just realized that this was no curse.  I shouldn't be upset with what has happened; rather, I had to recall what I had learned the first time around.  I'll just have to keep rolling with the punches.  God will help settle everything in this turbulent time.

In summary, God challenges us to forgive, for no matter how grievous the act was against us, it pales in comparison to what our sins have done against the Lord Himself.  As Colossians 3:13 says, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

Loneliness

A feeling that I am not that unfamiliar with.  Some say it's a sign of weakness, a sign that you've been broken.  Others claim it's a manifestation of psychotic unbalance.  I've also heard that it's just how one feels, when everything in the world seems to be crashing down on you.  Hard.

No, I'm not equating loneliness to depression.  I feel that when you have depression, nothing ever excites you, nothing really gets you going.  You're simply...not happy.  Loneliness is a bit more of a complex beast, in my own honest opinion.  To be fair, I don't think I can ever say I've been truly "clinically" depressed, but loneliness seems to be a reappearing "friend."  Perhaps thats why I regard loneliness more complex than depression.  Who knows?

At any rate, I write this not because I want to turn my ruminations blog into an emotional livejournal redux of some high school girl, rather, I write to reflect on the power it has over me, on my experiences, and my constant struggle in trying to overcome it.  The funny thing is, I'm not trying to overcome it with my own strength.  I'm trying to overcome it with God's, but it's been a constant battle, and I guess I'm learning about myself as I'm fighting.

God has given us the ultimate promise in Hebrews 13:5: that I, the Lord God Almighty, will never leave nor forsake us.  As encouraged and uplifted I feel every time I come upon this verse, I struggle as many Christians do, to apply this to myself.  I am all too good at giving the comfort to others, to give them the emotional, spiritual, mental uplifting they need to at least get over the hump that day.  I find it infinitely harder to get comforted when I feel lonely.  It's not that I don't know this verse; it's not that I don't know Our Father's promise to us.  From what I see, I am perhaps being unreasonable with myself, setting my own standards of comfort too high, and therefore being unfair to everyone who is trying for my sake.

There is still much for me to learn about the issue of loneliness.  Perhaps it's a partial dab into the realm of depression, for when we don't have God, what do we have?  If we can't say that we don't even have someone of this world to try and "pull us through the next day", and we're unable to see God's promise fulfilled in our lives, then we are truly lonely.

In that regard, I guess I am lucky and therefore ungrateful.  I am lucky to have friends that will look after me, an amazing, special  person who will always try to comfort me even when others have given up, and of course, God is always looking after this foolish child of His, pursuing me so that I may be fully comforted and healed.  In this sense, I must apologize to those who have cared.  I was blind, but now, I can only say I am starting to see.  I can only pray that God will continue to work in me, for the day that these feelings, that loneliness, will leave me alone...forever.

Sleepless in...Superior Township?

Crunch crunch.  The sound of corn flakes seemingly echoes in the spacious kitchen-living room.  A boy, unsure of what he is to do at...2:42am.  Why doesn't he sleep, you ask?  Oh, legend has it that he doesn't need sleep.  Some people say that he draws energy from people.  Rumor has it that he's just...different.  Regardless of the reason, here he is, typing away at a familiar bright screen, staring out through the windows facing the kitchen table.

It's going to be a long night, he thinks to himself.  The dark clouds appear almost like charred marshmellows against a black cardstock canvas.  Everything seems so...stagnant.  The real reason of why he can't sleep, is much deeper than even the most ridiculous rumors, and yet...it's normal.

He's having recurrent nightmares, you see.  If I don't fall asleep, then I can't have the nightmares...simple enough.  Ha.  Simple enough.  The boy's eyes slowly defy his wishes and start sliding down, just as the show curtains are about to rise.

Our boy finds himself on a boat, tossed and turned by stormy seas.  He looks down, he's already geared up in a full rainsuit, hands on the rope, trying to hold the sails steady.  The ocean's sure feisty today...I wonder what's bothering her?  No answer, merely a lash out from the ocean, resulting in a giant wave.  Is this how it's going to end?  Come at me, ocean, I'll be yours, dead or alive!  Almost seeming like it understood the boy's commitment, the ocean's waves calmed down merely a tad.  As the boy breaths a sigh of relief, his hand slips from the ropes of the sails, and his boat blows out of control.  As the boy fumbles to hang on, the rain is blinding and crippling.  A sudden swell from the starboard side knocks the boy off his boat and into the ocean.  As the boy is sinking into the ocean and all starts fading to black, an image of his love turning and walking away haunts him still.  Noooo...come back!!!

The boy wakes up, heart pounding, eyes alert.  It's going to be a long night.

Her

All it takes is her handwriting,
and it makes me giddy.

All it takes is her smile,
and it gives me goosebumps.

All it takes is her kiss,
and it makes my legs weak.

All it takes is her happiness,
and my heart swells with glee.

All it takes is
Her.

Paging Doctors Pham and Sun

Hello all,

For those who have been following my blog faithfully, I give many thanks.  You guys motivate me and encourage me to continue writing for the sake of writing, than just to appease the academic needs of courses.  If you haven't seen Pham's blog yet, it is thephamtommenace.wordpress.com.  Hopefully you guys will give him the same support that you showed me, and support a young and new blogger.

With the two of us going off to medical school this coming fall, we decided to collaborate on a blogging project.  This project will encompass the two of our experiences in different medical schools, and an account of how faith has played into our application processes.  Hopefully, this will help guide the rising Christian (and non-Christian) Pre-Meds get a sense of this mysterious, tedious, and daunting application process.

We will each be bringing in our own experiences, as well as our own writing styles, culminated into a reading that will be not only informative but also enjoyable.  Cheers!

You can find the blog at: phamsunanddelilah.wordpress.com

Post-Graduation...Post

Graduation was precisely how I envisioned it.  When I expect nice weather, it rains; therefore, when I brought a poncho to commencement so as to prepare for the rain, it is 80 degrees with bright sun the entire commencement ceremony.  As I sat next to close friends, fellow seniors and lifelong companions, I watch as people left and right take off their thick, stifling, hot robes in order to get even the slightest bit of cool breeze in the air.  So much for formality and ceremony.  But, at the end of the day, all that is just pomp and circumstance.

Pardon the pun.

One of the purest and most touching moments for me during the graduation, was the talk of Elie Wiesel.  Aside from being amazed at his number of honorary degrees (apparently over 100), one line stood out to me.  "We should celebrate, not denigrate our fellow man."  Is this not what Jesus called us to do in the first place?  We're called, by Jesus, to "Love thy neighbors as thy love thyself."  And believe me, we love ourselves, alright.  I guess what this showed me, is that under the tightest of scrutiny, and philosophy or ethics in the raw, humanity is yearning for an elusive concept trifecta: conciliation, collaboration, and celebration.  It has only reinforced my drive to follow in Jesus' footsteps, and do my best to spread the ministry that has changed my life for the better.

I don't view graduation as a door closing on a era of my life that has now past, but rather, a series of multiple doors that have now opened.  I find myself at an important stage of my life, not because my future career has been determined, but rather, I have realized a little more of how God plans to use me to spread His Word, and be a sign for His Kingdom.

It is an exciting time for us, seniors, now alumni.  We will be travelling into the "real world", with a very real opportunity to spread the effect we've had from God bringing us all to WashU when we were but wee high school seniors.  Let us conciliate with those who may have wronged us in the past, collaborate with those who have gone through the last four years with us, and celebrate the new opportunities that now stand in front of us.

-----

Psalm 119:105
[Father God], Your Word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.

The Big Triple Digits

Hello all!  It's been a blessing, really, blogging and sharing the crazy things that are floating inside my head.  Some of you have been following me since I first started, others, joining as my blogging has progressed and grown with me.  There have been ups and downs, periods where I would blog pretty much every day, and periods of where months would go by, and I wouldn't even know what to write.

I feel obliged to give a longer, more thought out post, when it comes to my 100th post, so it was fitting that it came during a time when my other obligations have been taken care of already.  So enjoy, this one took quite a bit of time of revising and revisiting, so hopefully it turned out okay.  Cheers.

Angels and Demons

It’s sometimes lonely thinking about what I am, or rather, what I’ve become.  Perhaps I’ve been like this for a while.  It was a weird realization of who I am, but when I got a chance to actually look at a true mirror, I saw what I most feared.  My name?  Stromnikos.  They say my name came from the word for electricity, for the violent nature of my temper, the power of my anger and wrath.  But isn’t that how they name all demons?  The very nature that dictates why people who wrong me, well, people tend to avoid that.  But I digress.

It’s not hard to see why people find it difficult to get close to me; fear of being shocked and hurt would deter even the bravest and most stubborn of souls.  But, I find comfort in the few people that I value, for them, it seems like the thunderclouds only make life that much more exciting…like some sick version of Stormchasers.  At any rate, my life is at a more or less standstill.  I hang out with the people who enjoy my company, I don’t go out of my way to mess with people, and we’re all good.  Living the demon life.  Until, that is, I met her.

It’s been said hundreds and thousands of times that Love makes people do stupid things.  But that’s “people”.  Not demons.  Others say that Love is, in actuality, a demon that corrupts and overwhelms a person’s otherwise rational judgment.  That couldn’t be true, since demons don’t mess with other demons; whose side is Love on anyway?  She’s beautiful, I tell myself.  The way she talks makes even this icy heart of mine melt just a little.  The way she smiles warms up everyone else in the room.  The way she cares, well, almost raises a sense of guilt when I turn around and mess with a helpless soul.  But only people do stupid things, right?

One day I found myself talking to this angel.  She smiles sweetly at me, staring straight to my core, through the spiky exterior, through the intimidating glares, and through the defensive thunderclouds that used to be so reliable.  My name’s Castella, what’s yours?  As if the Earth stood still and Father Time decided to take a lunch break, I found myself, surprisingly, at a loss for words. 

I prided myself in demonic wit, in biting satire (literally), and in silly parody humor that would probably offend anyone who wasn’t in on the actual joke.  So why can’t I seem to talk back?  Stro…m…niiikosss.  It literally took forever to get those words out of my mouth.

Stromneeekos?  Cute! Maybe we can spend more time together later?  Bye!  And just like that, she blew open my world.

As the time went on, we spent more time together, my demonic friends gave me grief that I was totally losing my reputation, that I wasn’t worthy of my name anymore…but strangely, I didn’t care.  If Castella thought I was fine the way I was, then I was fine the way I was.  I found myself caring.  I found myself being nice, I found myself restraining every urge to using those thunderclouds.  It was as if…dare I say, trying to impress this angel?  What have I become?

Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.  I mean, angels and demons are about as different as black and white.  There couldn’t have been a closer match of polar opposites.  But somewhere deep inside me, I don’t feel like a demon, but rather…a person.

Is it worth pursuing?  Humanity, that is.  I feel like a frog on the bottom off a well, looking upward at the possibilities above, unable to reach it on my own power, unwilling to leave the comforts of the depths.  It’s been an incredible journey…and now that I’ve gotten a taste, I can never truly go back.