On convenience, faith, and medicine

It has certainly been a while. This is mostly an exercise of jotting down a stream of consciousness after a sermon that really spoke to me and a post-sermon conversation that really sparked some excitement into the mystery of God's plans for us. I apologize in advance for the grammar or syntax; like I said, it has definitely been a while.

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Today when I attended my girlfriend's younger sister's church, I was originally somewhat reserved, out of the stark contrast to how my church back home was. Gone were the multi-generational ministries, gone were the multi-ethnic ministries, and gone was the packed worship room facing a functional organ. I found myself in a church that was predominantly Chinese and Korean, almost entirely young adults, in a semi-empty elementary school auditorium with a small worship band on stage. This is by no means to detract from the power of God's work in this church; rather, the differences were simply put, not what I was comfortable in or something that I would choose "out of convenience."

Interestingly, this was the topic that their head pastor decided to tackle this Sunday morning. The scripture being Mark 11:15-19, it describes the story of Jesus returning to Jerusalem, only to see that the area in the great temple that was dedicated for the Gentiles to worship was filled with marketers trying to make a profit. People back in the day had to walk long distances to the temple for worship, and would need to bring along their animals that were going to be used for sacrifice. This was often an arduous journey, and the unfortunate scenario would happen that their sacrifice would obtain a blemish along the way, making it unfit for sacrifice. Thus, for convenience, these marketers would set up shop in the temple to provide unblemished sacrificial animals...at an absurdly marked up price. The apt example that the pastor used was a comparison to how sport stadium food and drink is grossly inflated beyond all reason.  Jesus went stomping through the temple, flipping tables, angrily telling these marketers to leave the temple, for they have "turned the house of prayer for all nations into a den of robbers."

This really resonated with me in the sense that we as a people often look for ways to make things more convenient and opt for the path of least resistance rather than the more difficult, possibly more righteous route. With this in mind, I uncrossed my arms and let down this guard of expectation, and just tried to see what God had in store for my visit here at this church.

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During the post-sermon social period, I ended up talking to a young man who originally was interested in the medical field as well, but due to financial and personal circumstance, was not able to immediately pursue it. He instead went to a school associated with the Air Force, and learned to be a pilot instead. He described how he was still interested, and wanted to fly medical missions trips where not only medical specialists were needed, but pilots as well. He described how he flies non-profit flights with a group called Angelflight, which provides a no-cost trip for those disabled or unable to fly regular, commercial airlines due to medical issues or machinery. He told me of a story how one flight was particularly turbulent, and out of concern for his "client", he went back to check to make sure she was okay. It turned out that she was writing him and his fellow co-pilot thank you cards. The messy writing only made that card that much more meaningful: no matter how turbulent or difficult it was to write, their client was immensely grateful for what they were doing for her, and she had to make sure that they knew that she was appreciative.

This really made me re-evaluate where I stood, being a medical student who has, in all honesty, never been in the real world or part of the work force. I have safely placed myself in the "education bubble" and as a result, never needed to think beyond my next test or my next patient. It let me recall how I felt God's calling to pursue medical school. It let me recall the fascination that my fellow Christians had in the young adult bible study small group when I recounted my hospital experiences. And finally, it let me recall how I could glorify God in each and every patient encounter.

I start my family medicine clerkship rotation when I come back from break. After working the surgery work hours, the outpatient setting of family medicine will be a welcome change. More importantly however, it puts me back into the outpatient setting. In my short span of providing patient care up to this point, I have found that many of the most meaningful conversations I've had have been with patients at these outpatient clinics. Away from the bells and whistles, hustle and bustle of the inpatient hospital floors, after closing the clinical exam room door, it is like the whole world has been shut out and it is just me and the patient, able to fully maximize doctor-patient confidentiality. In my conversation with the young pilot, I described how many patients will put down a generic chief complaint, but in reality have many deeper, darker secrets that they wish to disclose, waiting for an open opportunity and open ear to talk about why they're really here. In my shadowing and my own trial and error, my beginning line for taking a history in the outpatient setting is always a variant of "What can I do for you?" or "What do you want to talk about today?" The classic "open-ended question" technique that we learn in medical school may be that opportunity that the patient is waiting for to disclose his domestic abuse, her alcohol addition, or their concern towards a sexually transmitted infection, and are either too ashamed or too frightened to put it down on the entrance questionnaire. I compared this privilege like a "medical confessional" where patients could come to receive advice of how to proceed from someone who will be non-judgmental and sworn to confidentiality. The young pilot told me that upon hearing this, he was even more motivated to pursue some kind of medical training, and that he was extremely excited for what God had in store for me when I returned to being a medical student full time again.

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The sermon, coupled with this conversation that I had afterward, really drove home the point that our faith is not about convenience. It is not about checking off another task on the Sunday to-do list; rather, it is to hopefully find ways to integrate your faith into what God has called you to do, regardless of how challenging that may be. I exchanged phone numbers with the young pilot, to keep in touch and to periodically check in and see where God has called each of us in the future. I am excited to hear where God leads him next, and equally excited to see what God has for in store for me in the new year, in the remainder of my M3 year, and the remaining time I have in medical school.

The Conversation

Faint glow reflecting off his glasses.
Caffeine enriched, heart pumping.
Typing away at indiscriminate script.
Old chair swivels, person slumping.

Silence rules over this kingdom.
Day by day turns to night by night.
Interests fading and smiles gone;
Hoping for change but none in sight.

A beep echoes, a sudden noise.
Piques the cortex of stoic boy.
A mere text, oh so late.
Message, be simple: why so coy?

Begging for company, loneliness king,
A duet of words, straight spoken: you free?
A scratch of the head and a contagious yawn;
of all people this time, why ask on me?

The phone is then lifted, a few buttons click.
A number was dialed, a response, no less.
This warranted answer, a must-have reply,
to the question posed, a vocal "Yes."

Reflections on Jiuzhaigou

Some helpful Tibetan lingo:

Response to Za xi de lei (welcome): Za xi de lei xiu

Na chu na ga: I love you

Simo: young lady, pretty lady

Silang: young man, handsome man

Deimo: goodbye

6 word Tibetan prayer: o ma mi bei bi hom

8 word Tibetan prayer: o ma zei mo ye sa lam dei

                My conception of zangzu, or in general Tibetan, culture was definitely much different from what I experienced at Jiuzhaigou. Preconceptions were of a more rowdy, almost Mongol-like pastoralist group, like the Mongol nomads that we attribute to the Huns. I had come into the area with the basic knowledge of Buddhist traditions, values and morals. I already knew much of the information faith-wise, but it was interesting to listen to some of the historical aspects of how certain sects of Buddhism rose to power due to a uniform acceptance starting from the Qing dynasty.

                I was perhaps a little apprehensive when I found out that our tour guide had arranged for us to stay at a zangzu house for dinner. This house is no ordinary zangzu house either, as it had produced 2 houfo, or living buddhas. In other words, this was a house of some of the highest, most respected Buddhist clergy. Being completely foreign to their customs, eating habits, and not to mention language, it was definitely an experience that I will never forget.

                There are many customary actions that are taken before almost every action. Ranging from being welcomed, to before anyone drinks barley wine. When we first arrived at the zangzu house, two strapping Tibetan lads came to us, and hung a yellow hada, a kind of woven scarf, around our necks and welcomed us with the traditional greeting: za xi de lei. Clasping my hands together and bowing slightly, I respond with za xi de lei xiu, which is like accepting/acknowledging their welcome. When we reached the entry way into the house’s main area, we said a traditional 8 word Buddhist prayer, o ma zei mo ye sa lam dei, for peace for the host and for the visits. After the prayer, we headed towards the dining area. In zangzu culture, the women take a subservient role, and as a result are the main servers, and enter the house after all the men have entered the house and have taken their seats at the eating place.

                The eating place is like a true mess hall, as there are many small tables arranged in rows to accommodate as many people as possible, which follows with their communal eating style. There were many various small dishes, ranging from spicy radish, baked potato, to mountain sheep meat and yak meat. The interesting rule was that you could use chopsticks for everything except the meat and rice. For these dishes, you had to use your hands. On a food-related note, the buttered tea is delicious, as is the barley wine. I didn’t think it would be good, but it was a nice pleasant surprise. Barley wine had special connotations associated with it, where customs dictated that if certain rules were broken, the person committing the fault would be expected to down more barley wine. All in all, it was a rowdy dinner experience.

                The place where you sit is also highly defined by your social rank within a family, and in a tribe. Lucky for us, my dad, a family friend, and I, three guys, ended up sitting in the most distinguished seats in the house, which meant we had certain roles to uphold. My dad sat in the eldest brother seat, and was responsible for getting the crowd in uproars. The family friend sat in the second brother seat, and was responsible for dishing out drinking penalties for anyone who wasn’t fully engaged with the festivities. And there was me, in the third brother seat, where my responsibilities will come up soon.

                While we were dining, our hostess continued to introduce various different simos and silangs that came to sing their native highland songs for us. It had a mysterious lull to it, filled with impressive vocal ranges and arias that make even the most distinguished opera singers do a double take. Now comes my responsibilities as third brother; I had to dance with the different zangzu simos while they sang. In other words, I was there to put on a show with them. Barring all senses of shame or embarrassment, I found myself naturally moving and dancing with the simos. Pictures were taken. Laughter was present. It was, after all, a rowdy good time.

                After I had left the zangzu household, we headed toward a large theater, where we were to go watch a cultural show highlighting various Tibetan dances (much like WashU’s Lunar New Year Festival). At the theater, a few girls from a different tour group that were at the same zangzu house as us were also headed to the show, but wanted to get a picture with me. Apparently, when these girls were asked if they saw any silangs they liked, they pointed to me, the dancing third brother. The tour guide that was taking the pictures for them asked me if I was ABC, and when I said yes, he responded that I looked like Wang Leehom. Afterward, we went into the theatre and enjoyed ourselves an elaborate show. So, after feeling like a celebrity and making various Moves like Jagger jokes with my sister, we closed the book on this Tibetan excursion.

Take this note and read it!

This sermon I listened to recently was very convicting to me, and so I have compiled it to a certain extent, in a hope to share with everyone.

Now to preface this, the sermon series the church I go to is currently in is called "Surprised by Joy." This sermon in particular talked about what obstacles we have that hinder us to have Joy. After all, Phillippians 4:4 calls us to rejoice:

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 

So what really stops us from being joyful all the time? Life adversity, problems and sorrow, one would respond, get in the way. But the real answer seems a bit intuitive, albeit important to point out. We are unable to be joyful without God. Because of this, this leads us to the book of Nehemiah, where we derive 3 central tenets to remaining joyful in the face of adversity.

1. WHEN YOU WON'T FIGHT: Sometimes it is hard to really hard to motivate oneself to gather up the courage and fight. Nehemiah was rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem, and those opposed to him would come and physically threaten them to stop building the wall. Nehemiah then told his men via Nehemiah 4:14, and then armed them all with swords, bows and spears:

Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight...

2. WHEN YOU THINK THE ENEMY IS TOO BIG: The difficulty is just compounded if the adversity is so daunting, that you believe it can't be beat. The sense of being David going in to fight Goliath is intimidating and nerve-racking...minimum. But the idea is to always pick your battles wisely, and not jump in blind, but keep a level head about yourself. Nehemiah continued to build his walls and the enemy continue to harangue him with not threats this time, but cordial invitations to "peace talks." Nehemiah knew that if he went to one of these talks, he would be assassinated. Invitation after invitation, Nehemiah craftily responds with Nehemiah 6:3:

I am carrying on a great project and cannot go down. 

Our great project is the life that God has blessed us with. We are carriers of the will of God, and mirrors of His One and Only Son, Jesus Christ. Our mission and goal are too great to go down on any simple adversity that appears. We must continue to persevere.

3. WHEN YOU SNATCH DEATH OUT OF THE JAWS OF VICTORY: This one originally confused me too, thinking, "shouldn't it be the other way around?" However, the other way around is a good thing. What we tend to do, is overlook our small blessings and focus on the negatives that surround us. We grow to become apathetic and tell ourselves lies in order to "protect ourselves." After some time, Ezra the scribe came and for the first time in many long years, the people were able to hear the Scripture read to them. As Ezra was reading the Word of God and listed out the reasons why people have suffered, people listening started to cry and be filled with sorrow. Nehemiah proclaimed to everyone that being able to listen to Scripture is a blessing, and that them being able to listen to it now, was a sign of God's forgiveness; that God continues to be their God, and that they should focus on that, highlighted in Nehemiah 8:10, one of my favorite verses:

Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. 

We strive to relook and refresh ourselves with those three verses, Nehemiah 4:14, Nehemiah 6:3, and Nehemiah 8:10, to give us perspective and strength when dealing with, coping with, conquering adversity in life with, of course, the strength of God.

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What Ken (the lead pastor at my church) recommended us do, was to write up a post-it note or piece of paper, with big bold letters:

TAKE THIS NOTE AND READ IT:

And then underneath, write out the three conditions that stop us from Joy, as well as something that you are personally challenged by.

When you won't fight.

When you think the enemy is too big.

When you snatch death out of the jaws of victory.

When __________________________

Finally, include the three inspirational verses found in Nehemiah that will help us remember:

Nehemiah 4:14 - Remember the LORD, who is great and awesome, and fight.

Nehemiah 6:3 - I am carrying on a great project and cannot go down.

Nehemiah 8:10 - Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.

Tape this to a place you walk by often (a bathroom mirror seems to do well), and constantly remind yourself that God is for you, and be encouraged.

A Day in the Life

I've got someone that's truly close to my heart. She's wonderful to me, sustains me, feeds me, spends time with me. She's all I've known, and frankly, all I want to know. We've gotten life down to pretty much a routine. She leaves early in the morning for work, and generally doesn't return until dinner time. I stay home, take care of some housekeeping issues, get some exercise on the treadmill, perhaps toss in a nap in on my more lethargic days.

I haven't heard from my family in a while, ever since my brothers and sisters and I grew up of age, we all chased love and before you knew it, we were all separated. The last sibling I saw was my dear youngest sister, she went home with a cute freckled red-headed boy. I could tell she was somewhat reserved at first, but I'm sure she's warmed up to him by now. After all, it's been nearly 2-3 years now since I've seen any of them. I wonder how they're doing sometimes. I sometimes miss them, but all in all I can't complain: I live a simple life, and I have her.

Oftentimes she'll just sit next to me, and speak to me. Whenever I feel like I have her attention, I try to showcase something special that I did that day. Maybe I finally ran a new record distance on the treadmill, maybe I cleaned up the mess around the house, maybe I just act cute so that she'll gush over me. At times like these she'll smile at me sweetly, hold and caress me ever so gently, and when I'm really lucky, she'll sing for me. That feeling of security, that warmth, that touch. I find myself curling up and falling into a blissful sleep with her smiling at me. It's unforgettable.

Things have never always been peachy, though. At times when she is sad, I feel helpless and minuscule. I am never good at talking about these difficult times, and I sometimes feel that she thinks that I never understand her. It gets particularly bad when she gets busy. She'll look at me sadly, and then turn to her computer or her large stack of papers, all covered with unreadable (to me anyway) scribbles of all sorts of colors. She had a period where she'd pick at her own hair, another time just sleep and not wake up, like her only method of escape from all of her stress and problems was to sleep.

Tonight, however, she seems at peace, smiling as she falls asleep. If only I could ever snuggle next to her. Alas, I will never know this feeling, as I sit peering longingly at her...

...from behind my glass hamster cage.

Con * sci * ous * ness

Before I get into the heart of this post, I want to preface it with a confession. As a devout, actively practicing follower of Christ, the notion of me being imperfect is very known to me. In fact, through all the religion-centered renewal programs, church-sponsored spiritual challenges, and even just personal tests of discipline and quests of self-improvement in my more secular days have revealed to me the brutal truth: My life is far from ideal.  What's worse...is that compounded onto that, is the absolute need for me to never wear my struggles on my face, never to impose others with my problems, and only with those closest to me and God do I ever divulge the problems that haunt me (My dear readers, you are getting an insight into a normally very "strong" person). The very nature of this post will be marked by streams of my consciousness. Breaks by which will be demarcated by:

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Very few people ever really realize what is truly going on in my life. This can be attributed to two reasons. One, many just don't care. Two, they don't know what to do even if it were to happen, and I choose to not burden them with the problem. The second group of people may get snapshots, perhaps mere glimpses of the reality that I face on an everyday basis. To that end, the problems that I keep muffled inside, are shoved deep into the subconscious crevasses behind the confident (sometimes over-confident and over-bearing) facade that so many are accustomed to. This faulty system of coping has only resulted in occasions in which my mood is..."off." It is like trying to keep all of those simmering, toxic fumes in a bubble that is myself. The bubble is nowhere near strong enough to hold everything in. Sometimes, I cave under the pressure the results are not pretty; I lash out, I snap, I displace my emotions from whatever is eating at me onto someone else. This only tends to alienate people more, which "helps" build my next bubble: this time stronger, colder, only to contain even more venomous thoughts and things. This vicious cycle becomes brutally apparent when it seems like the very support group that got you out of a mess, is part of the very cause of the next problem. It is by no means fair, as many of the people, who end up being on the receiving end of perhaps one of my fits, have no idea what is going on, and at that point in time inherently start judging me as someone of either poor character, or just unpleasant to be around--not their fault, and certainly understandable.

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I recently thought deeper into the almost mindless lyrics of a popular 90's song, made viral via a Pepsi MAX commercial. That's right, Haddaway's 1993 hit What is Love. The chorus is unmistakably recognizable: "What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more." I don't want to wax philosophical, so I'll cut to the chase. The emotion of love (through a collection of definitions heard from sermons, friends, sagely advice, wiki...etc.) is characterized by a degree of sacrifice, a willingness to compromise, and a trust of another person to not hurt you in the openly vulnerable state to which you expose yourself. Cheese aside, this got me onto just how powerful Jesus' love is for us really is. His crucifixion was the perfect sacrifice. God the Father proposed a divine compromise in sending us Jesus. He to this day and for ever and ever shows unlimited forgiveness and Grace to us. Jesus the Son, had the ultimate trust in His Father, and you can't get more vulnerable than going from omnipotent, omniscient God in Trinity, to being born into human flesh, to walk and suffer in the broken world we live in. As it calls us to love the same way Jesus loves us, how can we ever settle for less? How silly must we be?

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I have been told before that it is within human nature to protect oneself and each defensive mechanism is characterized by a degree of expense for either oneself or others. In our society, it is generally considered that those defensive mechanisms that protect oneself at the great expense of others is not only selfish, but almost unthinkable. Yet, the opposite, displayed via altruism is viewed as equally an anomaly. To come back to my own personal example, I certainly am not proud of lashing out, but similarly, in doing random acts of kindness, I have been asked before, "What is it that you want? Why are you doing this?" Intentions become tangled, misunderstandings prevalent. Results have often proven to a similar effect; granted, the random acts of kindness generally turn out better, but it's definitely no lie when I say that kind of work is draining.

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I am tired and must rest. As my mind slowly stops from its unrelenting races, I shall take my pit stop here. Good night.

What does it mean, to be an extrovert?  Does it mean you like talking?  Does it mean you're attention seeking? Does it mean you derive happiness from being around others?  Does it mean you like going out?  Or is it a little bit of all of the above?

From my Myers-Briggs tests, the one thing that truly stands out above all else, is the fact that there is no introverted aspect to my personality.  I am (I've taken the Myers-Briggs at like 3 different stages of my life) 100% Extroverted.  That being said, I don't always showcase those stereotypical extroverted signs, nor am I usually the absolute most extroverted individual at any given point in time.

So why or how am I 100% E then?  The question stems upon how Myers-Briggs defines extroverted, and how that plays into my personality.  From their scale, I exhibit all the aspects or signs of extroversion, however, In reality, I actually show each of these signs to a lesser extent than other people, who may only exhibit 1 or 2 out of...let's say 4 traits.  This way, they are 50% E, but those two traits they may have, are very apparent.

This came up one day when I sat at a big dinner with some people that I knew.  I did not feel any obligation to get up and talk to everyone; in fact, I felt happy for once that I was in the background, just listening and observing, only really popping into conversation when I truly felt like I had something to contribute.

What's interesting is that ever since I've made it into med school, I've found myself in a role where I don't talk nearly as much as maybe some people remember me.  I find myself in a situation in which I don't know the solution.  I am more than confident that most people who know me in the medical school either have seen my argumentative, explosive side, and hence write me off as an asshole.  Albeit, I call myself that all the time, to have it be a general sentiment is, well, a whole other story.  I find myself dealing with said phenomenon by simply staying silent, biting my tongue when I feel the urge to snap at someone.  Of course, this usually just results in me sitting and listening, rather than contributing.  Those people who don't understand me (which is most, let's be honest), will just take it as me being judgy and having nothing really important to add to the conversation, and thus, ignore me altogether.

So, to bring this conversation full circle, what do you do when you're an extrovert that no one appreciates, or cares to talk to?

To this end, I've found myself doing better in 1 on 1 conversations, where the chance of someone misunderstanding me or me offending someone to be...well, smaller.  Second chances are a treasure to be cherished, as forgiveness is not easy to come by.

Med school, you have taught me plenty.

2012.Resolutions.Reflections

Hey everyone, I apologize for my tardiness in posting up 2012 reflections and New Year's Resolutions, but 2011 has definitely not been a regular year, by any means.  Celebrating and welcoming the New Year an hour before even the crystal ball dropping in Times Square (the US Virgin Islands are an hour ahead, go figure), was not the only new experience...but rather than hearing fireworks, the loud crackles and pops were later explained to my dad and me--they were celebratory gunshots.  Talk about the non-conventional.

At any rate, back to tradition and convention with some thoughts on waving the 2011 year goodbye, and things to work on in 2012:

1. Not only read, but live the Living Word.  One of my key resolutions from 2011 was to practice real tithing, where I would give 10% of my spending per week and give it to the church I attended.  To this end, I was successful in reaching my goal of going one year of truly giving 10%.  It was definitely with sacrifice, and compromises were made when it came to personal spending.  This has helped me become more disciplined in spending on myself, on not being focused on material, earthly possessions, and that the true treasures are that of spirit, not of this world.  My goal for this year, is to really reflect those lessons learned from the Word into everyday living.  One section that I have particularly taken a liking to, as something for me to work on, is seen in James 3:1-12.  Taming of the tongue.  Those who know me know exactly what needs to happen here.

2. Buckle down.  Something that I never really truly thought I would need to remind myself with, and that was to take care of business academically.  I suppose in previous years and in lower levels of education, I was always fine with where I was relative to other people, in both comprehension, and grades.  In medical school, the competition may not be as outwardly apparent, and the pass/fail system really takes away the stress that would normally be a motivator for me to continuously strive for a higher percentage.  However, I am blessed with a good group of guys that not only help me study, but challenge me to understand better, and constantly push my limits on what I need to know and what I should know.  My resolution is to be more self-motivated to go beyond what is minimally necessary, (even if P=MD), and really enjoy the learning for what it is worth.

3. Be patient and live life.  I've always been impulsive.  It's come with its pros and cons; I've always been on the forefront of many aspects of my life because of gut instinct, natural intuition, and quick action.  However, this has also gotten me into trouble before, and I've realized that at this stage in my life, it is less appropriate to really rush through everything; rather, my resolution for this year is to really slow down and really let God take the reins.  God knows a lot more than I do, and clearly has a pretty good idea of where I am to end up, how I'm going to get there, and when I'm going to get there.  No need to rush a perfect game plan, hm?

That's all I have for this year, plenty of tough stuff to work on, but cheers to an exciting New Year in 2012!

Pre-Break Reflection (PBR)

Hey all, it has certainly been a while since I've written here, and I have taken the time to really use my lunch break and by definition study break to give a life update or quasi-reflection post.

Besides the shared acronym between my post and Pabst Blue Ribbon, I have managed to separate myself from many other graduate students (medical and otherwise), in the fact that I do not rely on alcohol for a good time.  A seemingly simple and sensible sentiment, but an important one to make nonetheless.  Have I gone dry?  By no means.  But there is a difference between alcohol consumption and alcohol reliance.  That being said, let's reflect:

This first semester of medical school has really put me through many trials.  Maybe not in the way that I originally envisioned.  I came into medical school expecting that it would be very similar to my college experience, with the lone exception of needing to work myself much harder to keep up with the increased information and decreased time to learn it.  However, I have soon found that I not only spend less time on studying, I am enjoying the more fundamental things in life that would contribute to happiness.  I have learned many new things, not only medicine related, but rather more about myself.

One would always want to believe that you know yourself better than anyone else.  Aside from God (which is an unfair example, because he is all-knowing and all-seeing), though the statement may be true to a certain extent, it doesn't necessarily mean you know yourself well.  There are certain aspects of my person that I will refuse to compromise, certain activities that I must have as part of my daily, weekly, monthly, yearly routine.  I will always be a sports fan.  I will always be athletically active.  I will always strive to be more Christ-centered, and I will always strive to take medicine to the next level.

I have also learned things that I can let go, or I thought were important, but in the grand scheme of things slowly phased out of my concerns and priorities.  I originally believed that I was a very undiverse individual, and that I had to have friends only in the Asian crowd.  Not only has medical school tested those boundaries, they have challenged me to really reach out and force me to not be in my comfort zone.  And to be perfectly, almost brutally honest, I am glad I was tested in that way.  I can safely say that my best friends here are definitely not Asian, nor do I see that changing any time in the future.

Finally, I realized to appreciate the things that really mean something to me.  The support I get from family, friends, loved ones, and all of those meaningful relationships that I spent so long over the course of my stay in St. Louis to build.  I got to spend time talking to good friends on the phone, and it hit me that it really doesn't matter where your friends go and end up, true friends will always remain so, and those relationships are something to always hold onto dearly.  The ability of being able to pick up the phone, call up a guy that I hadn't talked to or been in close proximity to for an extended period of time, and talk for hours about all the things that have happened in each other's lives is simply put, amazing.  The conversation seemed so natural it was like it had never stopped in the first place.  I find myself "catching up" with people much more so during this educational transition than I did when I went from high school to college.  It made me think of the relationships that I built while in high school, and the yearning for a reunion and "catching up" with those people too.  Only time (and a good, long break) will remediate this.

With all that said and done, I want to wish everyone a great holiday break:  Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Cheers!

The Move In

Hello everyone.  This is my first blog post from the new desk that I built myself (or rather, assembled).  The internet is a little spotty here and there, but at least the living arrangement seems to have worked out.

I have a nice little studio apartment on the first floor, and to be honest, the space is more than enough for me.  Even at WashU, I had one of the smaller rooms in the suite, and even when I had a huge double sharing with Alan, I didn't even know what to do with all the space.

Furnishings were nothing fancy but comprehensive.  I got a desk, a bookshelf, a dresser, a dinner table with 4 chairs, a coffee table, a love seat couch, and of course the bed.  This is the same bed that I used way back in middle school, so I guess it's pretty nostalgic now that I'm back on this very bed...8 years later.

The place, after unpacking about 60% of my stuff, is definitely "very me."  Everything other than the wooden dinner table/chairs and the love seat (that I swiped from my parents) are black, white or green (no more mystery to my favorite colors).  If you had seen my room back at WashU, you would instantly recognize 90% of the decorations and stuff, as I just like how my room was decorated from before, and no reason to fix what isn't broken.

One difference, is I have my own TV now.  Nothing compared to the 37 inch VYNEX monster that everyone was familiar with from my suite, but it will serve my purposes (which is sports, sports, some HIMYM, and more sports) very well.  As per usual, my desk is littered with technology, so I might just resort to moving my book studies to the dinner table.

If there was any real complaints about the place right now, it would be that my phone doesn't get reliable service in the back crannies of my room, but that's understandable since the 1st floor of this apartment is practically half underground.  Of course, my reception is best closest to the window and door.

Other than that, just wanted to throw an update out there on where I'm now living and some initial thoughts that popped into my head in the middle of my unpacking frenzy.  I'd just like to say, it's nothing compared to the awesome setup I had back with my boys in Mudd, then SoFoHo (x2).  But then again, it's not just the place you live in, it's more important about the PEOPLE you live with.

Cheers.

David Choi - By My Side

Sorry for the delay in posting recordings, I got sidetracked by errands and logistics of my move-in, which is soon!

At any rate, I recently listened to David Choi's new music video and song, as mentioned in the title.  A catchy little love song, you probably know David from being affiliated with Wong Fu Productions, so here's a shout out to them.

I've taken the liberty of covering David's song, but credit goes to him for actually writing and producing the song himself!

Without further ado: David Choi - By My Side

(Oh, and a note for those with headphones: the volume for this song is a little louder than the previously recorded ones, messing around with microphone placement.)

Keyboarding.

I remember I did this last year, and it was pretty popular, so I'll bring it back.

Summer for me is slowly but surely passing by, and I want to do something fun and meaningful.  Thus, I will combine the two keyboards that I use in my pasttimes: the computer and the piano.

I want to invite you guys to name songs that you want to hear me play, and given a little luck, a bit of effort, and a lot listening to songs on repeat, I'll hopefully be able to play them, and record them while I still have my good recording mic and piano at home.

Here's what I worked on already:
Katy Perry - Firework (7/13/11)
Nightwish - Amaranth (7/14/11)
Gary Jules - Mad World (7/15/11)
Yiruma - River Flows in You (7/15/11)

Cheers everyone!

Life is like a box of chocolates...

but I find that it's more like a giant puzzle.

I see all of us like a puzzle piece, wanting to fit in where we can, trying to reach an understanding of a bigger picture, a goal that almighty Creator has already planned out for each and every one of us in perfect harmony.  It's hard to see clearly, as we're merely one piece in a million, but through the journey we each take, we try to find that one other piece in a million, that just strikes out to you.

You realize that one piece is the one you want to be with, the one that you are meant to be together with, through thick and thin.  No matter how good, how bad it gets, you know you can count on the other piece to lift you up when you're down, celebrate with you when you're on high.

Every place that you're lacking, the other piece brings out of you, that piece seems to benefit from everything you have to offer.  A teamwork that is infallible, a friendship unparalleled.  Someone who motivates you when you feel down, knowing that you would easily do the same to cheer and comfort them.

I know where my other piece is, and I will continue to cherish her, as she may very well be aware.  Have you found yours?

Rolling, Rolling, Rolling...

No, I'm not here to talk about medical schools and their rolling admissions process.  Rather, I'm going to be talking about my experiences and what I've learned from it.

Since getting accepted to Michigan, I wanted to figure out my living situation in Ann Arbor, but a point stood in the way.  Of course, Pham was the number one pick in the roommate draft (sorry, sports references are how I roll), and needless to say, it would have been legendary.  I had things mostly figured out, but nothing could be finalized; you can't go ahead and get a 2 bedroom apartment when you don't have both people finalized.

So here we go, impulsively speaking, Pham decided to choose Michigan out of the schools that he got accepted to, and of course, that's excellent news in and of itself, besides the fact that I now seemingly had my roommate for at least the upcoming M1 year...but...before we speak too fast, there's still a waitlist.

So perhaps I was forcibly ignoring the possibility that Pham will want to go to any other school than Michigan (in hindsight, it was kind of foolish of me).  So when Pham notified me that he was taking his talents to Manhattan to join Cornell Medical, I couldn't help but feel a little like the Cavaliers (NOTE: I am not by anyway equating Pham with LeBron...that is too unspeakable).

However, unlike Daniel Gilbert, and post slanderous nonsense on the internet and throughout the national media, God calls us to understand and forgive.  I learned that things always happen according to God's plan, and that meant placing me into an environment where I don't have the comfort of falling back to old friends, and pushing forth not only as a missionary, but also to expand my network and establish new contacts.

Score:    Steve -- 0 : Elusive Roommate -- 1

Fast forward a couple weeks.  Now I'm in the hunt for a new roommate, and by new, I mean brand new.  All of the people I've known from high school who are part of my Medical School class are girls, and so therefore, not on my list.  I originally planned to live in the fraternity Phi Rho, but apparently, missed the housing lottery because I was on the Wisconsin Dells trip.  How...inconvenient.

Needless to say, I went apartment hunting elsewhere in the area, and with a stroke of luck, managed to find a guy who (no homo) I really hit it off with.  We organized a couple trips to go and settle a living situation in a nice apartment.  However, right before we finished paying the deposit to hold the apartment, Phi Rho notified my roommate that he got off the housing waitlist, and he was seriously considering going for that.  He gave me a call and told me the, I guess, "great news."  In my mind, I only saw the flashing lights of the scoreboard:

Score:  Steve -- 0 : Elusive Roommate -- 2

But honestly, I was happy for the guy.  Seriously, it's like impossible to get to live in the medical fraternity, and so getting off the waitlist is  like winning the lottery, literally and figuratively.  In my heart, I felt a little helpless in the whole process; but I just realized that this was no curse.  I shouldn't be upset with what has happened; rather, I had to recall what I had learned the first time around.  I'll just have to keep rolling with the punches.  God will help settle everything in this turbulent time.

In summary, God challenges us to forgive, for no matter how grievous the act was against us, it pales in comparison to what our sins have done against the Lord Himself.  As Colossians 3:13 says, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

Loneliness

A feeling that I am not that unfamiliar with.  Some say it's a sign of weakness, a sign that you've been broken.  Others claim it's a manifestation of psychotic unbalance.  I've also heard that it's just how one feels, when everything in the world seems to be crashing down on you.  Hard.

No, I'm not equating loneliness to depression.  I feel that when you have depression, nothing ever excites you, nothing really gets you going.  You're simply...not happy.  Loneliness is a bit more of a complex beast, in my own honest opinion.  To be fair, I don't think I can ever say I've been truly "clinically" depressed, but loneliness seems to be a reappearing "friend."  Perhaps thats why I regard loneliness more complex than depression.  Who knows?

At any rate, I write this not because I want to turn my ruminations blog into an emotional livejournal redux of some high school girl, rather, I write to reflect on the power it has over me, on my experiences, and my constant struggle in trying to overcome it.  The funny thing is, I'm not trying to overcome it with my own strength.  I'm trying to overcome it with God's, but it's been a constant battle, and I guess I'm learning about myself as I'm fighting.

God has given us the ultimate promise in Hebrews 13:5: that I, the Lord God Almighty, will never leave nor forsake us.  As encouraged and uplifted I feel every time I come upon this verse, I struggle as many Christians do, to apply this to myself.  I am all too good at giving the comfort to others, to give them the emotional, spiritual, mental uplifting they need to at least get over the hump that day.  I find it infinitely harder to get comforted when I feel lonely.  It's not that I don't know this verse; it's not that I don't know Our Father's promise to us.  From what I see, I am perhaps being unreasonable with myself, setting my own standards of comfort too high, and therefore being unfair to everyone who is trying for my sake.

There is still much for me to learn about the issue of loneliness.  Perhaps it's a partial dab into the realm of depression, for when we don't have God, what do we have?  If we can't say that we don't even have someone of this world to try and "pull us through the next day", and we're unable to see God's promise fulfilled in our lives, then we are truly lonely.

In that regard, I guess I am lucky and therefore ungrateful.  I am lucky to have friends that will look after me, an amazing, special  person who will always try to comfort me even when others have given up, and of course, God is always looking after this foolish child of His, pursuing me so that I may be fully comforted and healed.  In this sense, I must apologize to those who have cared.  I was blind, but now, I can only say I am starting to see.  I can only pray that God will continue to work in me, for the day that these feelings, that loneliness, will leave me alone...forever.

Sleepless in...Superior Township?

Crunch crunch.  The sound of corn flakes seemingly echoes in the spacious kitchen-living room.  A boy, unsure of what he is to do at...2:42am.  Why doesn't he sleep, you ask?  Oh, legend has it that he doesn't need sleep.  Some people say that he draws energy from people.  Rumor has it that he's just...different.  Regardless of the reason, here he is, typing away at a familiar bright screen, staring out through the windows facing the kitchen table.

It's going to be a long night, he thinks to himself.  The dark clouds appear almost like charred marshmellows against a black cardstock canvas.  Everything seems so...stagnant.  The real reason of why he can't sleep, is much deeper than even the most ridiculous rumors, and yet...it's normal.

He's having recurrent nightmares, you see.  If I don't fall asleep, then I can't have the nightmares...simple enough.  Ha.  Simple enough.  The boy's eyes slowly defy his wishes and start sliding down, just as the show curtains are about to rise.

Our boy finds himself on a boat, tossed and turned by stormy seas.  He looks down, he's already geared up in a full rainsuit, hands on the rope, trying to hold the sails steady.  The ocean's sure feisty today...I wonder what's bothering her?  No answer, merely a lash out from the ocean, resulting in a giant wave.  Is this how it's going to end?  Come at me, ocean, I'll be yours, dead or alive!  Almost seeming like it understood the boy's commitment, the ocean's waves calmed down merely a tad.  As the boy breaths a sigh of relief, his hand slips from the ropes of the sails, and his boat blows out of control.  As the boy fumbles to hang on, the rain is blinding and crippling.  A sudden swell from the starboard side knocks the boy off his boat and into the ocean.  As the boy is sinking into the ocean and all starts fading to black, an image of his love turning and walking away haunts him still.  Noooo...come back!!!

The boy wakes up, heart pounding, eyes alert.  It's going to be a long night.

Her

All it takes is her handwriting,
and it makes me giddy.

All it takes is her smile,
and it gives me goosebumps.

All it takes is her kiss,
and it makes my legs weak.

All it takes is her happiness,
and my heart swells with glee.

All it takes is
Her.

Paging Doctors Pham and Sun

Hello all,

For those who have been following my blog faithfully, I give many thanks.  You guys motivate me and encourage me to continue writing for the sake of writing, than just to appease the academic needs of courses.  If you haven't seen Pham's blog yet, it is thephamtommenace.wordpress.com.  Hopefully you guys will give him the same support that you showed me, and support a young and new blogger.

With the two of us going off to medical school this coming fall, we decided to collaborate on a blogging project.  This project will encompass the two of our experiences in different medical schools, and an account of how faith has played into our application processes.  Hopefully, this will help guide the rising Christian (and non-Christian) Pre-Meds get a sense of this mysterious, tedious, and daunting application process.

We will each be bringing in our own experiences, as well as our own writing styles, culminated into a reading that will be not only informative but also enjoyable.  Cheers!

You can find the blog at: phamsunanddelilah.wordpress.com

Post-Graduation...Post

Graduation was precisely how I envisioned it.  When I expect nice weather, it rains; therefore, when I brought a poncho to commencement so as to prepare for the rain, it is 80 degrees with bright sun the entire commencement ceremony.  As I sat next to close friends, fellow seniors and lifelong companions, I watch as people left and right take off their thick, stifling, hot robes in order to get even the slightest bit of cool breeze in the air.  So much for formality and ceremony.  But, at the end of the day, all that is just pomp and circumstance.

Pardon the pun.

One of the purest and most touching moments for me during the graduation, was the talk of Elie Wiesel.  Aside from being amazed at his number of honorary degrees (apparently over 100), one line stood out to me.  "We should celebrate, not denigrate our fellow man."  Is this not what Jesus called us to do in the first place?  We're called, by Jesus, to "Love thy neighbors as thy love thyself."  And believe me, we love ourselves, alright.  I guess what this showed me, is that under the tightest of scrutiny, and philosophy or ethics in the raw, humanity is yearning for an elusive concept trifecta: conciliation, collaboration, and celebration.  It has only reinforced my drive to follow in Jesus' footsteps, and do my best to spread the ministry that has changed my life for the better.

I don't view graduation as a door closing on a era of my life that has now past, but rather, a series of multiple doors that have now opened.  I find myself at an important stage of my life, not because my future career has been determined, but rather, I have realized a little more of how God plans to use me to spread His Word, and be a sign for His Kingdom.

It is an exciting time for us, seniors, now alumni.  We will be travelling into the "real world", with a very real opportunity to spread the effect we've had from God bringing us all to WashU when we were but wee high school seniors.  Let us conciliate with those who may have wronged us in the past, collaborate with those who have gone through the last four years with us, and celebrate the new opportunities that now stand in front of us.

-----

Psalm 119:105
[Father God], Your Word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.

The Big Triple Digits

Hello all!  It's been a blessing, really, blogging and sharing the crazy things that are floating inside my head.  Some of you have been following me since I first started, others, joining as my blogging has progressed and grown with me.  There have been ups and downs, periods where I would blog pretty much every day, and periods of where months would go by, and I wouldn't even know what to write.

I feel obliged to give a longer, more thought out post, when it comes to my 100th post, so it was fitting that it came during a time when my other obligations have been taken care of already.  So enjoy, this one took quite a bit of time of revising and revisiting, so hopefully it turned out okay.  Cheers.

Angels and Demons

It’s sometimes lonely thinking about what I am, or rather, what I’ve become.  Perhaps I’ve been like this for a while.  It was a weird realization of who I am, but when I got a chance to actually look at a true mirror, I saw what I most feared.  My name?  Stromnikos.  They say my name came from the word for electricity, for the violent nature of my temper, the power of my anger and wrath.  But isn’t that how they name all demons?  The very nature that dictates why people who wrong me, well, people tend to avoid that.  But I digress.

It’s not hard to see why people find it difficult to get close to me; fear of being shocked and hurt would deter even the bravest and most stubborn of souls.  But, I find comfort in the few people that I value, for them, it seems like the thunderclouds only make life that much more exciting…like some sick version of Stormchasers.  At any rate, my life is at a more or less standstill.  I hang out with the people who enjoy my company, I don’t go out of my way to mess with people, and we’re all good.  Living the demon life.  Until, that is, I met her.

It’s been said hundreds and thousands of times that Love makes people do stupid things.  But that’s “people”.  Not demons.  Others say that Love is, in actuality, a demon that corrupts and overwhelms a person’s otherwise rational judgment.  That couldn’t be true, since demons don’t mess with other demons; whose side is Love on anyway?  She’s beautiful, I tell myself.  The way she talks makes even this icy heart of mine melt just a little.  The way she smiles warms up everyone else in the room.  The way she cares, well, almost raises a sense of guilt when I turn around and mess with a helpless soul.  But only people do stupid things, right?

One day I found myself talking to this angel.  She smiles sweetly at me, staring straight to my core, through the spiky exterior, through the intimidating glares, and through the defensive thunderclouds that used to be so reliable.  My name’s Castella, what’s yours?  As if the Earth stood still and Father Time decided to take a lunch break, I found myself, surprisingly, at a loss for words. 

I prided myself in demonic wit, in biting satire (literally), and in silly parody humor that would probably offend anyone who wasn’t in on the actual joke.  So why can’t I seem to talk back?  Stro…m…niiikosss.  It literally took forever to get those words out of my mouth.

Stromneeekos?  Cute! Maybe we can spend more time together later?  Bye!  And just like that, she blew open my world.

As the time went on, we spent more time together, my demonic friends gave me grief that I was totally losing my reputation, that I wasn’t worthy of my name anymore…but strangely, I didn’t care.  If Castella thought I was fine the way I was, then I was fine the way I was.  I found myself caring.  I found myself being nice, I found myself restraining every urge to using those thunderclouds.  It was as if…dare I say, trying to impress this angel?  What have I become?

Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.  I mean, angels and demons are about as different as black and white.  There couldn’t have been a closer match of polar opposites.  But somewhere deep inside me, I don’t feel like a demon, but rather…a person.

Is it worth pursuing?  Humanity, that is.  I feel like a frog on the bottom off a well, looking upward at the possibilities above, unable to reach it on my own power, unwilling to leave the comforts of the depths.  It’s been an incredible journey…and now that I’ve gotten a taste, I can never truly go back.