Loneliness

A feeling that I am not that unfamiliar with.  Some say it's a sign of weakness, a sign that you've been broken.  Others claim it's a manifestation of psychotic unbalance.  I've also heard that it's just how one feels, when everything in the world seems to be crashing down on you.  Hard.

No, I'm not equating loneliness to depression.  I feel that when you have depression, nothing ever excites you, nothing really gets you going.  You're simply...not happy.  Loneliness is a bit more of a complex beast, in my own honest opinion.  To be fair, I don't think I can ever say I've been truly "clinically" depressed, but loneliness seems to be a reappearing "friend."  Perhaps thats why I regard loneliness more complex than depression.  Who knows?

At any rate, I write this not because I want to turn my ruminations blog into an emotional livejournal redux of some high school girl, rather, I write to reflect on the power it has over me, on my experiences, and my constant struggle in trying to overcome it.  The funny thing is, I'm not trying to overcome it with my own strength.  I'm trying to overcome it with God's, but it's been a constant battle, and I guess I'm learning about myself as I'm fighting.

God has given us the ultimate promise in Hebrews 13:5: that I, the Lord God Almighty, will never leave nor forsake us.  As encouraged and uplifted I feel every time I come upon this verse, I struggle as many Christians do, to apply this to myself.  I am all too good at giving the comfort to others, to give them the emotional, spiritual, mental uplifting they need to at least get over the hump that day.  I find it infinitely harder to get comforted when I feel lonely.  It's not that I don't know this verse; it's not that I don't know Our Father's promise to us.  From what I see, I am perhaps being unreasonable with myself, setting my own standards of comfort too high, and therefore being unfair to everyone who is trying for my sake.

There is still much for me to learn about the issue of loneliness.  Perhaps it's a partial dab into the realm of depression, for when we don't have God, what do we have?  If we can't say that we don't even have someone of this world to try and "pull us through the next day", and we're unable to see God's promise fulfilled in our lives, then we are truly lonely.

In that regard, I guess I am lucky and therefore ungrateful.  I am lucky to have friends that will look after me, an amazing, special  person who will always try to comfort me even when others have given up, and of course, God is always looking after this foolish child of His, pursuing me so that I may be fully comforted and healed.  In this sense, I must apologize to those who have cared.  I was blind, but now, I can only say I am starting to see.  I can only pray that God will continue to work in me, for the day that these feelings, that loneliness, will leave me alone...forever.