Rolling, Rolling, Rolling...

No, I'm not here to talk about medical schools and their rolling admissions process.  Rather, I'm going to be talking about my experiences and what I've learned from it.

Since getting accepted to Michigan, I wanted to figure out my living situation in Ann Arbor, but a point stood in the way.  Of course, Pham was the number one pick in the roommate draft (sorry, sports references are how I roll), and needless to say, it would have been legendary.  I had things mostly figured out, but nothing could be finalized; you can't go ahead and get a 2 bedroom apartment when you don't have both people finalized.

So here we go, impulsively speaking, Pham decided to choose Michigan out of the schools that he got accepted to, and of course, that's excellent news in and of itself, besides the fact that I now seemingly had my roommate for at least the upcoming M1 year...but...before we speak too fast, there's still a waitlist.

So perhaps I was forcibly ignoring the possibility that Pham will want to go to any other school than Michigan (in hindsight, it was kind of foolish of me).  So when Pham notified me that he was taking his talents to Manhattan to join Cornell Medical, I couldn't help but feel a little like the Cavaliers (NOTE: I am not by anyway equating Pham with LeBron...that is too unspeakable).

However, unlike Daniel Gilbert, and post slanderous nonsense on the internet and throughout the national media, God calls us to understand and forgive.  I learned that things always happen according to God's plan, and that meant placing me into an environment where I don't have the comfort of falling back to old friends, and pushing forth not only as a missionary, but also to expand my network and establish new contacts.

Score:    Steve -- 0 : Elusive Roommate -- 1

Fast forward a couple weeks.  Now I'm in the hunt for a new roommate, and by new, I mean brand new.  All of the people I've known from high school who are part of my Medical School class are girls, and so therefore, not on my list.  I originally planned to live in the fraternity Phi Rho, but apparently, missed the housing lottery because I was on the Wisconsin Dells trip.  How...inconvenient.

Needless to say, I went apartment hunting elsewhere in the area, and with a stroke of luck, managed to find a guy who (no homo) I really hit it off with.  We organized a couple trips to go and settle a living situation in a nice apartment.  However, right before we finished paying the deposit to hold the apartment, Phi Rho notified my roommate that he got off the housing waitlist, and he was seriously considering going for that.  He gave me a call and told me the, I guess, "great news."  In my mind, I only saw the flashing lights of the scoreboard:

Score:  Steve -- 0 : Elusive Roommate -- 2

But honestly, I was happy for the guy.  Seriously, it's like impossible to get to live in the medical fraternity, and so getting off the waitlist is  like winning the lottery, literally and figuratively.  In my heart, I felt a little helpless in the whole process; but I just realized that this was no curse.  I shouldn't be upset with what has happened; rather, I had to recall what I had learned the first time around.  I'll just have to keep rolling with the punches.  God will help settle everything in this turbulent time.

In summary, God challenges us to forgive, for no matter how grievous the act was against us, it pales in comparison to what our sins have done against the Lord Himself.  As Colossians 3:13 says, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

Loneliness

A feeling that I am not that unfamiliar with.  Some say it's a sign of weakness, a sign that you've been broken.  Others claim it's a manifestation of psychotic unbalance.  I've also heard that it's just how one feels, when everything in the world seems to be crashing down on you.  Hard.

No, I'm not equating loneliness to depression.  I feel that when you have depression, nothing ever excites you, nothing really gets you going.  You're simply...not happy.  Loneliness is a bit more of a complex beast, in my own honest opinion.  To be fair, I don't think I can ever say I've been truly "clinically" depressed, but loneliness seems to be a reappearing "friend."  Perhaps thats why I regard loneliness more complex than depression.  Who knows?

At any rate, I write this not because I want to turn my ruminations blog into an emotional livejournal redux of some high school girl, rather, I write to reflect on the power it has over me, on my experiences, and my constant struggle in trying to overcome it.  The funny thing is, I'm not trying to overcome it with my own strength.  I'm trying to overcome it with God's, but it's been a constant battle, and I guess I'm learning about myself as I'm fighting.

God has given us the ultimate promise in Hebrews 13:5: that I, the Lord God Almighty, will never leave nor forsake us.  As encouraged and uplifted I feel every time I come upon this verse, I struggle as many Christians do, to apply this to myself.  I am all too good at giving the comfort to others, to give them the emotional, spiritual, mental uplifting they need to at least get over the hump that day.  I find it infinitely harder to get comforted when I feel lonely.  It's not that I don't know this verse; it's not that I don't know Our Father's promise to us.  From what I see, I am perhaps being unreasonable with myself, setting my own standards of comfort too high, and therefore being unfair to everyone who is trying for my sake.

There is still much for me to learn about the issue of loneliness.  Perhaps it's a partial dab into the realm of depression, for when we don't have God, what do we have?  If we can't say that we don't even have someone of this world to try and "pull us through the next day", and we're unable to see God's promise fulfilled in our lives, then we are truly lonely.

In that regard, I guess I am lucky and therefore ungrateful.  I am lucky to have friends that will look after me, an amazing, special  person who will always try to comfort me even when others have given up, and of course, God is always looking after this foolish child of His, pursuing me so that I may be fully comforted and healed.  In this sense, I must apologize to those who have cared.  I was blind, but now, I can only say I am starting to see.  I can only pray that God will continue to work in me, for the day that these feelings, that loneliness, will leave me alone...forever.

Sleepless in...Superior Township?

Crunch crunch.  The sound of corn flakes seemingly echoes in the spacious kitchen-living room.  A boy, unsure of what he is to do at...2:42am.  Why doesn't he sleep, you ask?  Oh, legend has it that he doesn't need sleep.  Some people say that he draws energy from people.  Rumor has it that he's just...different.  Regardless of the reason, here he is, typing away at a familiar bright screen, staring out through the windows facing the kitchen table.

It's going to be a long night, he thinks to himself.  The dark clouds appear almost like charred marshmellows against a black cardstock canvas.  Everything seems so...stagnant.  The real reason of why he can't sleep, is much deeper than even the most ridiculous rumors, and yet...it's normal.

He's having recurrent nightmares, you see.  If I don't fall asleep, then I can't have the nightmares...simple enough.  Ha.  Simple enough.  The boy's eyes slowly defy his wishes and start sliding down, just as the show curtains are about to rise.

Our boy finds himself on a boat, tossed and turned by stormy seas.  He looks down, he's already geared up in a full rainsuit, hands on the rope, trying to hold the sails steady.  The ocean's sure feisty today...I wonder what's bothering her?  No answer, merely a lash out from the ocean, resulting in a giant wave.  Is this how it's going to end?  Come at me, ocean, I'll be yours, dead or alive!  Almost seeming like it understood the boy's commitment, the ocean's waves calmed down merely a tad.  As the boy breaths a sigh of relief, his hand slips from the ropes of the sails, and his boat blows out of control.  As the boy fumbles to hang on, the rain is blinding and crippling.  A sudden swell from the starboard side knocks the boy off his boat and into the ocean.  As the boy is sinking into the ocean and all starts fading to black, an image of his love turning and walking away haunts him still.  Noooo...come back!!!

The boy wakes up, heart pounding, eyes alert.  It's going to be a long night.