My English Teacher Told Me Transitions Were Important

It was dark, 3:30 in the morning, I had somewhere to be; a class at 10am, with reading left unfinished. It was so foggy, I wouldn't be able to recognize a close friend even if they were 15 feet away. There I stood, staring at the sky.

Staring at the sky, not that I was trying to see the stars, playfully hiding behind the mysterious veil of clouds and mist, nor was I intentionally trying to put off work by going outside. I haven't felt this way.

I haven't felt this way ever, really. A certain cause of hopelessness. The carpet is forcibly removed from underneath me, my goals and aspirations are moot. Somewhat like that disappointing winded feeling you get when someone twice your size punches you in the gut. I want to just stare at the skies, to ask what I've done to deserve this; an outcry for fairness. Life isn't fair.

That phrase. Life isn't fair. It's been repeated to me so many times, and yet I still come to expectations that I should have some entitlement to fairness like, as a 3rd grader would put it, "my name's on it." Maybe it's come down to what I deserve, what I need, and what I can't have. Sad how that is how the association works. Truly, I am tired.

I am tired, but more awake than caffeine-induced highs. I am tired mentally, beaten down physically, scarred emotionally. All I need now, is someone to insult me spiritually, but I'm not quite looking for the whole nine yards. I'm appreciative for how my close friends are willing to stay up with me through the wee hours, talking, equally frustrated that they can't do anything for me. They can't help me, no one can help me. I must walk this path alone, but I still can't help but think about my dear friends.

My dear friends, Some of you may have been in the loop, some of you have followed me along the way, charting my progress, cheering me up and on to keep going, keep living, keep trying. I can guarantee you this: what you've said, what you've done, I'm so thankful, no words can describe it. However, there's no use to keep going down this road; it will only set me up for failure. I could keep trying, but like I've said before, it's become such a moot point, that it's even a waste of breath to say "Wow, that was a waste of breath." If you all were wondering, I will, without a doubt in fact, keep living.

I will keep living. Living that unfair, unjust life that everyone else has constantly reminded us of, living that lie, where someone will come up, hug you, and tell you how everything is going to be A-OK, that things aren't as bad as they seem, how there's always another shot at someone else. Sorry, you don't quite know what you're talking about; that's not how it works.

That's not how it works. Love games, they're complicated. I put in all this effort, invested my heart like my life savings; I took a gamble, since there's no good payout without high risk involved. Unfortunately, I lost. The loss has consequences, and I must face it.

I must face it. I have no choice in the matter. The only thing that could make me feel better, is sold out, unavailable, used up down to the last drop, with no chance of ever coming on the market again. At least it's fitting that it is I that must carry this burden. I've been travelling on this road for so long.

I've been travelling on this road for so long. Just trying to find my way back home. But the old me is dead and gone.

The old me is dead and gone.