I have a dream, that one day...

...my children or I, will be able to see a world rid of cancer, and all people can live in harmony, free of disease, dissent, and disaster.

People who know me very well, would know that being part of the medical field was a dream I had since the beginning of middle school. People would also know that I'm amazingly stubborn when it comes to things I want to achieve-at any cost, any means necessary.

However, lately, I've been having, well, you can call them "second doubts;" that term doesn't quite do it justice, since I'm probably still going towards the field anyway.

I guess it was more of learning much more of the actualities and technicalities of the field, and not just some dream vision of being as badass as House; as hilarious as J.D/Turk; or even as scandalous as McNamara/Troy.

It all started with Medicine and Society class, I suppose. Fascinating course, great teachers, amazing people, intense discussion/debate. I don't regret taking the course at all, but it truly opened my eyes to many dilemmas that are faced by doctors, and how real world doctors face/deal with those problems. I suppose the most I got out of that class, is that altruism is not a natural human trait, and like everyone else, many doctors do the job merely for the money, and not for the advancement of science, nor for the betterment of human society.

To add to that, I suppose my internships at the University of Michigan Medical Scientific Research Building were pretty enlightening as well. Working in a protein crystallography lab, I learned that research is interesting, but also not for me as a potential research choice. I suppose it's just that I don't have the necessary drive to plow through the necessary grant-work, and now that the NIH has less money than ever, research professors are really placed in a dog-eat-dog situation.

Within this lab that I'm interning in, there are 3 other undergraduate students also "learning." All three of them are Juniors becoming Seniors, some have taken the MCAT, others prepping for graduate school, etc...at any rate, farther along the path that I'm looking at. For the guy who actually took the MCAT and is awaiting his score, I was so surprised at his attitude towards science: complete apathy. The guy has learned all the concepts, knows all the theory behind it, but simply cannot practice/apply it for the life of him! It makes me wonder on how he would ever succeed as a practicing doctor, if he can't do something as simple as mixing solutions in the right amount (written out for him) into one little vial for a PCR (for those who don't know, it's Polymerase Chain Reaction).

The experiences I've had since my "don't know what I'm getting into but it sounds good so I'll do it" ambition in the 6th grade, I've learned much more about the field that I have the most hope, promise and talent in, and because of that, I'll probably stick to this field. However, it's now let me realize that doctors are not as pristine as I used to think, and that if I am to truly achieve something in this field, I'll not only need to fight and work hard, but fight with everything I got, and work with any ethic I can muster.

Sure, if I end up getting a bum leg, I'd probably be as bitter as House, too. But we'd need to keep in mind that not many people can pull that off, and still manage to keep his job, and priority within a clinic. After all, dramas can't be real; that's why they're dramas.