Classes, People, among other things.

First day of classes. Some people view it as a blow-off day, to really just go to classes to see which of their friends are in which classes, and how they're going to have "soooo much fun" in [insert generic class name]. Other people view it as a time to shop for classes, which ones are worthwhile and which ones, not so much. Finally, there's me, sitting through the 3 hardest classes of my fall schedule, with an interesting sense of apathy. What I have realized, is that I no longer look towards classes with great anticipation. Rather, I start calculating exactly how much time I will need to invest into each class, and pull away with a grade that is acceptable to no longer just my own (albeit declining) personal standards, but also the expectations from those medical schools looming in the background, waiting to see what [insert AMCAS ID#] exactly is going to do in his final year in college.

That being said, I resolved that I was to finish strong in college, and follow the trend of how my grades went in high school (Note: starting strong in freshman year, caring progressively less through until junior year, and then finishing spectacularly senior year), which means I will be committing more time to the books, all the while juggling the ridiculous amounts of things and people I need/want to do and see (respectively, don't be silly and/or ridiculous). The realization that I am now a senior, a 4th year old fogie, probably hit me when I walked through the campus. I saw the anxious little freshmen running here and there, clearly not quite accustomed to the infamous "7 minute rule." I look at them, and then to how I now walk to class, alone or with friends, and we've clearly slowed down in our "old age."

This last year has presented itself as the opportunity to not only buckle down and leave with a long-lasting good impression of the school and education received, but also to really reinforce the relationships that I've built over the past 3 years. Along with spending more time with the academic texts, I find myself constantly rearranging my schedule so that I may squeeze in just one more meeting with people. It is definitely not a bad thing to invest in people, and frankly, that's the most I'm going to get out of college. Not this B.A. in Biochemistry or Anthropology. Rather, the friendships that will continue, after we toss our hats into the air, and shake hands and hug each other knowing that another phase of our life has been completed, will be what makes all the money (that I personally believe this school is wasting on flowers and unnecessary buildings) I've paid worth it.

Cheers to and prayers for a great senior year, and to the continued commitment to investing in people. Fellow seniors, let's take this last year and rock it loud. Real loud.

Choices in Dreams

Once in a while, I dream a dream that feels so real, the details so vivid, that I believe I lived it, experienced it in real life. These experiences seem to be burned into my memory; I can recount them like they happened just now, even if they are a couple days past. Yesterday, I woke up from this dream sweating, but not in cold fear; rather, pure heart-pumping adrenaline.

The dream takes me to a place I don't remember travelling to with family or friends, but it seemed like somewhere I've been to multiple times. I had rock climbing gear on, clipping on all my belays, staring up at the cliff before me. Before I even realize it, time fast forwards, and I'm already halfway up the cliff, pulling stunts even Tom Cruise wouldn't dare do on Mission Impossible. A couple of close calls and a few lucky grabs, I make it up to the top of the outcropping. There, I see two things on opposite sides of the apex. On one side, I see a zip line, guided straight back down in the direction of the camp that I came up from. On the other side, I see a hang glider, perfect condition, facing the horizon of the setting sun. I did not know what was beyond that horizon, only that it compelled me towards it. I look back at the zip line to safety, and swallowing any remaining nervousness, I hooked myself into the hang glider, and pushed off. Right when I looked down to see how high I was flying

I woke up.

The Healer

What can I really say about you? You’re humble beyond compare: you’ve helped millions of people around the world, and you do it without taking any credit. You know just what to say at any given moment. You know when to make someone laugh, you know when to help someone cry, you know even when they’re just out to have fun.

You look out for people, you really do. I can’t say your medical practice is orthodox, a lot of skeptics all say it’s a bunch of placebos and nonsense, but I think there may be something to what you do. You can make any furious person calm again; you can make any happy go lucky person reflective. Your power never ceases to amaze me.

After all, what greater compassion could there be, than you helping a grieving friend smile again? What greater dedication could there be, that you offer your help time and time again, without a thought about yourself? What greater intelligence could there be, that you can move millions with your words?

What is there left to say, outside of Praise God for creating music?

(Great) Minds Think Alike

For once in a very long time, it’s finally just me and you. Imagine yourself in that place where you feel the most comfortable, the most relaxed. Purge your mind of everything else for this little moment, while we play a little game. Listen to your heartbeat, it’ll help slow time down.

** ** ** **

Close your eyes. Breathe deeply. Now hold that breath. Count with me in your head. 1…2…3…alright. Slowly exhale, and at this moment, conjure up an image of the first person you think of. Now place that someone in a pleasant memory you shared with that person. Recollect when it happened. Where did it take you? What time was it? A café…no, a lounge…a dining area? In the afternoon, you say? Interesting. Close your eyes again, and let’s keep going.

** ** ** **

Bring up that person again. What are you two doing? You say it’s just talking, but are you sure that’s what it is? What are you talking about, then? Anything and everything? Huh, fancy that.

** ** ** **

What’s wrong? You seem deep in thought. What did you say? You thought of me?

Funny, I thought of you too.

Music in my ears.

NOTE: Although I will continually update this list, this post may get bumped down from various other works I may write, so you may want to keep this tabbed if you're into following this work-in-progress.

Now anyone who has even a slight grasp of who I am, knows that I like music, and my ears allow the transition between headphones or speakers to the keys of a piano. This is what people call "playing by ear."

This summer, a side-project of mine was to look into figuring out as much music as possible, as it is one of the few big chunks of time I have without having to worrying about biochem problem sets, board meetings, pick-up games, and rendezvouses with various people, be it in person, on skype, or on the phone.

Now, what kind of music is fair game? In all honesty, I enjoy the challenge for pieces that are unconventional on the piano, but let's be honest, it's hard to do a rap when you're relying solely on musical notes (granted, I've done rap choruses). Anything else, well, if it gets stuck in my head, it's fair game. As you'll soon see, genres are being broken down faster than the Berlin Wall.

Songs in the bag:

Love Story - Taylor Swift

I'm Yours - Jason Mraz

Not Afraid - Eminem

Love the Way You Lie - Eminem

She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5

Hey Soul Sister - Train

童话 - 光良

都是你 - 光良

Fireflies - Owl City

I Could Sing of Your Love Forever - Sonicflood

Unashamed - Starfield

You Are Holy - Michael Smith

Bulletproof - La Roux

Cooler Than Me - Mike Posner

Basket Case - Green Day

Beautiful Girls - Sean Kingston

God of this City - Chris Tomlin

Safe - Phil Wickham

Libertango - Astor Piazolla

Happy Birthday to Me - Bulldog Mansion

Apologize - Timbaland ft. One Republic

Victory - Bond

The Scientist - Coldplay

Alejandro - Lady GaGa (Prepped to Record)

Holiday - Green Day

My Girl - The Temptations

Baby - Justin Bieber

Yesterday - The Beatles

A silly little song.

You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift

Dynamite - Taio Cruz

Hey There Delilah - Plain White Ts

Viva La Vida - Coldplay

This Love - Maroon 5

Pokerface - Lady GaGa

Airplanes pt. 2 - B.O.B ft. Hayley Williams and Eminem

Where Is The Love - Black Eyed Peas

Bad Romance - Lady GaGa

Beautiful One - Tim Hughes

You've Got a Friend in Me - Randy Newman

Halo - Beyonce

Our God - Chris Tomlin

My Heart Will Go On- Celine Dion

新鸳鸯蝴蝶梦 - 黄安

Clocks - Coldplay

Merry Go Round of Life - Joe Hisaishi

Beethoven Virus - Banya

Georgia on My Mind - Ray Charles

Songs currently partially down or could use some polishing (some are getting dusty):

My Girl - The Temptations - 8/14/10

Where Is The Love - Black Eyed Peas - 8/16/10

Bad Romance - Lady GaGa - 8/16/10

Through the Kaleidoscope - Steven Cravis

Merry Go Round of Life - Joe Hisaishi - 8/21/10

Halo - Beyonce - 8/18/10

Baby - Justin Bieber - 8/14/10

Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis - 8/19/10

You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift - 8/15/10

新鸳鸯蝴蝶梦 - 黄安 - 8/20/10

Holiday - Green Day - 8/14/10

Love Game - Lady GaGa - 8/19/10

Airplanes pt. 2- B.O.B. ft. Hayley Williams and Eminem - 8/16/10

Viva La Vida - Coldplay - 8/15/10

Clocks - Coldplay - 8/20/10

Hosanna - Hillsong

My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion - 8/18/10

The Only Exception - Paramore - 8/15/10

Dynamite - Taio Cruz - 8/15/10

青花瓷 - Jay Chou

Georgia on My Mind - Ray Charles - 8/23/10

Our God - Chris Tomlin - 8/18/10

Beethoven Virus - Banya - 8/22/10

King of Anything - Sara Bareilles

Songs currently on the list to do:

Hey There Delilah - Plain White Ts - 8/15/10

Alejandro - Lady GaGa - 8/13/10

Beethoven Virus - Banya - 8/17/10

The Only Exception - Paramore - 8/13/10

Beautiful One - Tim Hughes - 8/16/10

King of Anything - Sara Bareilles - 8/24/10
Georgia on My Mind - Ray Charles - 8/16/10

Our God - Chris Tomlin - 8/16/10

Dynamite - Taio Cruz - 8/13/10

Avalanche - Marie Digby

Sky Sailing - Brielle

I'm Letting Go - Francesca Battistelli

Mine - Taylor Swift

青花瓷 - Jay Chou - 8/16/10

发如雪 - Jay Chou

菊花台 - Jay Chou

You've Got a Friend in Me - Randy Newman - 8/17/10 (Recorded)

Keep in mind, I may have forgotten a bunch of songs, so this list is definitely tentative. Any recommendations? Let me know. I'll add it to this list.

Music is my drug.

I have to admit it: I must be hopelessly addicted. Some people say I have a problem, but they just don’t see what good comes from it. It gets expensive, in its own way, me spending all this time and energy on varied musical nonsense almost seems…counter-productive. People want me to do something useful with my life. But don’t you see? This is my little wormhole out of reality; to a place where time falls into my control. If it so calls for allegro con brio, then let the clock ticks quicken with my heartbeat; but if we’re humming a nice dolce andante, time will bend and slow to my whims.

How does one stay sane? Let me ask you this then, why do we dream? Our minds working ever tirelessly when we’re supposedly at rest; it is our way of staying productive, staying active. Once we lose that, then and only then, is when insanity sets in. The same can be said about the connection between music and me. This is how I “stay productive,” how I refresh myself after a long, tiring day at work. This is how time flies by. Now this may seem contradictory to the old proverb, “slow down and smell the roses,” but just because our minds stay active doesn’t mean they’re sprinting; as runners may know, slowly jogging for an extended period of time is less tiring and taxing on the body than sprinting and stopping in short bursts.

It used to sound like a chore, when my dad told me to stop playing video games and practice piano; of course my then childish desires were to stay glued to the television screen, guiding an Italian plumber wearing a red cap I’ve never met before jump through obstacles of a dream world. Little did I know that my dad was, in reality, giving me the set of keys that allows me to traverse through a dream world of my own.

I can’t imagine a world without music, a world where everything is silent. It may help me concentrate or focus on something in the short run, but if I had to give up my hearing, life wouldn’t be peaceful; rather, it’d be quiet…too quiet…suffocating.

What’s your drug?

Another Notch...

...in the belt of life. Ever since starting this long, tedious, sometimes repetitive road, there have been many "moments." These include: moments of brain freeze and sighs of near-defeat during the essay writing, moments of depression and anxiety staring at my glaringly less than perfect GPA and "good-enough" MCAT score, moments of hesitation before clicking the submit button and paying each school's application fee, and moments of joy when truly finishing and checking off each school on the giant checklist that I have made on a sheet of notebook paper.

Now being officially done with said secondaries, I suppose I've moved on from the writing phase to the waiting phase. Although now it is now completely out of my hands, I know He'll guide me to where he wants me to be, and it'll all work out in the end.

All this work and belt tightening is making me skinnier, I think.

Perhaps

Perhaps this scene was used as a snapshot in a movie. The fan is whirring, humming a cool tune, letting its song fill the small, dark room. As per usual, a solitary light coming from the laptop prevents the blackness from swallowing the entire space. It is mysteriously hot, uncharacteristic for this time of day, for this part of the nation, given this section of the year.

Perhaps that's why the young man is still up so late; the inability to find a comfortable spot to fall asleep in without overheating from simply his own body heat. Instead, he finds himself tapping away at a keyboard, diligently working; it's surprising how much more work he gets done at this time when everyone else is sound asleep.

Perhaps he should realize this incredibly ironic situation. His mother complaining to him, asking why he never works, and that all she sees him do in the daytime is slack off, play games, exercise, and read. Maybe if she would look past all that and see the young man's work as an end result, she'd be satisfied; but alas, that would be asking too much open-mindedness for someone who has long solidified their perspective like a concrete tunnel.

Perhaps it is he who should adapt; it's not like the young man doesn't understand where the opposing arguments and points are coming from. As he continues typing, he pauses, and chuckles to himself on the silliness of it all. Soon he shall be done with whatever it is that he had to do, before whenever the deadline was, and sent it to wherever it needed to go. The details no longer matter; all that is important, is that it is done.

Perhaps he'll get a breather when all of this clears up. Although the young man has rested quite often over the course of this summer, he doesn't exactly feel...relaxed, calm, poised to take on the last year. The whole process of waiting doesn't sit well with him; he likes to be moving. He likes to be in control.

Perhaps it is painstakingly obvious that this "he" is me.

Perhaps it isn't only me.

Perhaps.

How do I stop...

…this wagon of worry, this pushcart of pride, this locomotive of little faith?

I feel more and more out of control and the result of a crash is never a happy ending.

I need to stop feeling like I need to be in control of everything I do; truth be told, I can control little of what’s to come. I know that these things are better left to hands much more capable than my own, His hands, and yet I am unwilling to let go of whatever “free choice” I have.

I need to stop comparing myself to other people. Be it the result being feeling of inadequacy, or the unsubstantiated sense of pride for being better than someone at a certain aspect, it is never to the expense of anyone else. That may be the case now, but just having these types of feeling means that the mindset is still there, and only sooner and not later, will this spill out more catastrophically than the oil spill in the gulf. Why do I subject myself to meaningless comparison, when I know that everyone’s conditions and backgrounds are different, hence listing apples and oranges?

I need to stop actively looking for an answer, but rather, open my mind and my heart to what He has to respond. He’s been there, at times very clear to me, and other times, not so much. I need to stop thinking like a child, “If I can’t see it, then it’s not there.” This mentality just highlights the weakness of my faith and not completely trusting what the Lord has in store for me.

I need to find the brakes, and hopefully do not stomp on the gas while trying to do so.

The Writer

It’s silent…disturbingly silent. Even if it is 3 in the morning, you’d expect the crickets to be out serenading each other. In the middle of the darkness, a dim blue/off-white glow of a laptop computer monitor flickers. In front of it, the faint silhouette of a man, hands on his head, shaking with disapproval. The keyboard clicks a few times, and words disappear off the screen. The man has been at this since he ate Chinese take-out for dinner, and hasn’t left his chair since answering the door to tip the high school boy who drove him his food.

Writer’s Block? More like Writer’s Great Wall of China, the man thinks to himself. Frustrated, he throws a crumbled fortune cookie at his overflowing trashcan, bouncing out, showing an ironic fortune: Your ideas will inspire others. He looks at his watch—3:18am. With a sigh, the man looks at what he has accomplished thus far; 8 prompts, highlighted in bold, lines of personal notes italicized, and a variety of key points underlined. Unfortunately, none of that translates to the necessary yet elusive essay form that will satisfy the requirement.

Tap, tap, tap, tappity, tappity tap. The cursor dances across the screen, words left in its wake. It halts, seemingly realizing the sloppy trail it has been leaving behind, and quickly retreats to clean up its mess. The man is taking two steps forward, three steps back; this must be the hardest assignment he has had yet. The fact that there is a deadline does nothing but add stress to the entire already dicey situation.

He tries to reread the text that is already jotted down, but prevents himself from deleting it. He quickly hits Ctrl + S, and closes the lid of the laptop, letting the poor thing finally go to sleep. Now that the room returns to being pitch black, the man rolls onto his bed, and lies there thinking, patiently waiting for the darkness to lull him to sleep.

------

On a completely unrelated note: cheers to half a century of posts in 2010.